Will shame stop exploitation?
Will shame stop exploitation?
Before kids and the busyness of life, I enjoyed watching Dateline. The stories caught my attention. But there was a specific set of episodes that haunted me. A week after I confessed my secrets, the first episode of Dateline’s To Catch a Predator aired in November 2004. I was intrigued and horrified. Men seeking out underage girls were being lured into fake encounters where they were exposed publicly to the nation, then arrested. Their actions led them to the encounter and the exposure of their secrets, each one guilty.
What horrified me about the show was the portrayal of the men. The men were not the shady common criminals. No, they were fathers, businessmen, teachers, church leaders, and men we typically hold in a place of respect. As the host, Chris Hansen, sat down with each one of them, it was clear the men were seeking out sex. None of them started out looking for underage girls. They had started with porn, and their escalation led them to this place. Again, they must be held accountable for their actions, but I saw something different in watching the stories unfold. I saw myself!
Only weeks before, I was still in a decades-long battle of seeking out sex to calm the pain inside myself. If I had kept my secrets, I believe I could have compromised my principles on seeking out someone underage for sex. Not because I wanted to find someone young, but the drive for sex was so high. I had made agreements and set boundaries with myself that I kept breaking. For years, it was only looking at porn. Eventually, porn was not enough. I've set a boundary to only chat with people online. Within months, the boundary was moved to phone conversations. My hard boundary was to never meet someone in person. As you may have guessed, this boundary was crossed.
So, if I could continue to move the moral boundaries in my life, I believed I could have pushed the limits leading to criminal activity. Why? The focus was on my needs and what I saw as sex being a need to survive.
I thought of myself as a good husband and father, but one with secrets. I considered myself a Christian and a kind man. I saw myself the way these men saw themselves, stuck in an unwanted secret life.
My life was changed before it was too late. God broke me before society broke me. He showed me grace before the consequences became too great. This leads me to the question of how we can change the issues of sexual exploitation.
Organizations, secular and in the church, seek to prosecute the criminals. Several organizations are attempting to shame men into stopping their actions. But what is lost in the shaming is understanding that the men are already acting on their secrets of sexual brokenness. The men know they haven’t crossed criminal lines, nor have any desire to cross them. They are struggling with the current level of “legal” sexual brokenness, no longer masking the pains in their lives. Shaming is driving men into darker secrets and moving farther from the idea of confession.
I may not have the answer to how we change sexual exploitation, but Changing Lanes does offer an alternative with lasting results. We create a place where confession is possible, and shame is reduced. For all the sons, fathers, teachers, coaches, pastors, public servants, and everyone else hiding in their shame and secrets, let’s give them hope. If we offer hope, we can change their lives.
YOU CAN HELP CHANGE A LIFE
Changing Lanes is designed to help those hiding in shame but want to find freedom. You can help us help your friends, family members, coworkers, church congregation, and fellow believers. By joining Changing Lanes as a monthly donor, you allow Changing Lanes groups to expand into more communities and provide services for anyone stuck in the sexual cycle.
OPTIONS FOR CHURCHES
Pastors and church leaders, your partnering with Changing Lanes provides you with resources and groups to spread the hope of the new life Jesus describes in the Bible. Partnering allows the sexually broken in your church to experience freedom from shame.
Whether it is partnering or financial support, join us today in providing hope and ending the cycle of sexual exploitation.
What horrified me about the show was the portrayal of the men. The men were not the shady common criminals. No, they were fathers, businessmen, teachers, church leaders, and men we typically hold in a place of respect. As the host, Chris Hansen, sat down with each one of them, it was clear the men were seeking out sex. None of them started out looking for underage girls. They had started with porn, and their escalation led them to this place. Again, they must be held accountable for their actions, but I saw something different in watching the stories unfold. I saw myself!
Only weeks before, I was still in a decades-long battle of seeking out sex to calm the pain inside myself. If I had kept my secrets, I believe I could have compromised my principles on seeking out someone underage for sex. Not because I wanted to find someone young, but the drive for sex was so high. I had made agreements and set boundaries with myself that I kept breaking. For years, it was only looking at porn. Eventually, porn was not enough. I've set a boundary to only chat with people online. Within months, the boundary was moved to phone conversations. My hard boundary was to never meet someone in person. As you may have guessed, this boundary was crossed.
So, if I could continue to move the moral boundaries in my life, I believed I could have pushed the limits leading to criminal activity. Why? The focus was on my needs and what I saw as sex being a need to survive.
I thought of myself as a good husband and father, but one with secrets. I considered myself a Christian and a kind man. I saw myself the way these men saw themselves, stuck in an unwanted secret life.
My life was changed before it was too late. God broke me before society broke me. He showed me grace before the consequences became too great. This leads me to the question of how we can change the issues of sexual exploitation.
Organizations, secular and in the church, seek to prosecute the criminals. Several organizations are attempting to shame men into stopping their actions. But what is lost in the shaming is understanding that the men are already acting on their secrets of sexual brokenness. The men know they haven’t crossed criminal lines, nor have any desire to cross them. They are struggling with the current level of “legal” sexual brokenness, no longer masking the pains in their lives. Shaming is driving men into darker secrets and moving farther from the idea of confession.
I may not have the answer to how we change sexual exploitation, but Changing Lanes does offer an alternative with lasting results. We create a place where confession is possible, and shame is reduced. For all the sons, fathers, teachers, coaches, pastors, public servants, and everyone else hiding in their shame and secrets, let’s give them hope. If we offer hope, we can change their lives.
YOU CAN HELP CHANGE A LIFE
Changing Lanes is designed to help those hiding in shame but want to find freedom. You can help us help your friends, family members, coworkers, church congregation, and fellow believers. By joining Changing Lanes as a monthly donor, you allow Changing Lanes groups to expand into more communities and provide services for anyone stuck in the sexual cycle.
OPTIONS FOR CHURCHES
Pastors and church leaders, your partnering with Changing Lanes provides you with resources and groups to spread the hope of the new life Jesus describes in the Bible. Partnering allows the sexually broken in your church to experience freedom from shame.
Whether it is partnering or financial support, join us today in providing hope and ending the cycle of sexual exploitation.
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A Spiritual Green ThumbThankfulness in Times of TrialOne New LifeOne StepOne DecisionOne PossibilityOne FearOne LieOne DayFurther Up. Further In.When TImes Are Good, Don’t Lose GroundBlessings From The FatherWill shame stop exploitation?New Life in ChristNew Life: A Beautiful MessWhen It’s Hard To Do What You Said you would doConviction vs. ActionNot By SightFinding Identity In The Deep EndRefuge In The StormCan I Really Change? One Guaranteed Way Inside“I Made It” A Tribute To Terry TurnerOne Decision. One Choice.Free IndeedI never knew that something that merely peaked my curiosity at the age of twelve, would turn into years of relentless shame and secrecy. Over the course of four years pornography had consumed more of my life than I ever intended to give it. I vividly remember one of my most desperate prayers to God when I was sixteen. With knots twisting in my stomach, and tears uncontrollably running down my face I said, “God, I can’t do this anymore.” It was in that moment He replied, “Jessica, you don’t have to.” If you are reading this, I don’t know where you are in life or the magnitude of the struggles that you face. What I do know, is that there is such a thing as freedom. For me, it was freedom from more than a pornography addiction. Lust, deception, shame, guilt, comparison, rejection, abandonment, and condemnation have all reared their heads in the years that followed that night when I was sixteen. At times I found myself asking, “When will this ever end?” Somehow, I fell under the impression that the surrender of one thing meant that things in this new relationship with God would inevitably be effortless afterward. Not only was I wrong, but I am glad I was wrong. John 8:36 reads, “So if the Son sets you free, you will be free indeed.” To this day, it is a verse that has brought me the greatest joy, and I want to tell you why. Jesus starts out this verse by saying “if the Son sets you free.” I couldn’t keep up with the facade that everything was okay, and that I didn’t have an addiction. Freedom came in the moment I said that I couldn’t do it anymore. It wasn’t ever going to be found in my own ability, and for that I am thankful. I am thankful that I can never be too proud of my own strength and resistance to sin. On my own I will miserably fail. Then later in the verse comes my favorite part: “free indeed.” For only six letters, indeed is a powerful word. According to Strong’s concordance, some definitions include “really, truly,” and “actually.” In other words, Jesus was saying that this freedom is without question. It’s not a distant, unattainable fantasy. It’s an undeniable reality that only He can make possible. So where does this leave you now? It leaves you with a choice. Regardless of where you consider yourself to be in this life, Jesus is the only way to lasting freedom. The lies that tell you that this is how it always must be are exactly that – lies. There is a life beyond addiction. Ten years ago, I found myself at that crossroads where I had to decide if I wanted to keep living the way I was. Jesus wasn’t just as my crossroads, but on the road leading to it. I only had to recognize that He was there.
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