One Lie
One Lie
SECOND PART IN BEGINS WITH ONE SERIES
It all began with one word that would become the lie to fill an increasing number of lies that would define my identity and life.
Shame
Shame wasn't something I was taught, but it was a lie I discovered quickly. The night I was confronted about stumbling onto pornography, I denied the truth. I denied it multiple times.
I was only eight years old. Isn't that too young for someone to experience shame? It was the shame I had felt that caused me to deny my actions to my parents when confronted.
What was the basis of this lie? The belief I was flawed, gross, a failure, unlovable, and an embarrassment.
The lie transformed from a belief I held to an integral part of my identity. The secrecy brought on by the shame affirmed in my mind that everything I believed was true. Innocent comments by others strengthened the lie.
A few years after the lie began, I went to stay with my grandparents for the night. They were in town with some friends and picked me up on their way home. One of their friends complimented me in the car, but I took it as an affirmation of the lie.
"He is a good kid. He sits there quietly and doesn't interrupt."
The compliment that I am best when I do not share my voice was received; my voice has no value. The lie had been confirmed by adding that I received speech therapy at school.
Fast forward to the summer after my senior year of high school. I am sitting on the side of a creek bed early in the morning, trying to complete the daily devotion given to the campers at church camp. The secrecy brought by the shame took exposure to pornography to the edge of addiction. I was trapped in my sin, and I believed if it were made known for me to get help, I would be labeled and isolated from family and friends.
I was torn. I wanted freedom, but didn't want to lose the people closest to me. The shame led me to ask God for help one final time.
My prayer was a passionate cry for help, "God, take this away. BUT don't let anyone know."
The shame conditioned my request to God, the only one who could help me.
What was the outcome of the prayer? Nothing changed, and I believed I was too broken and beyond the ability of God to change me. God's silence confirmed that One Lie, and I felt there would never be hope for a new life, the one fear that would cause pain to the one closest to me.
God had not abandoned me, but was waiting for me.
Continue following the blog series, Begins with One for the journey of God’s redemption.
It all began with one word that would become the lie to fill an increasing number of lies that would define my identity and life.
Shame
Shame wasn't something I was taught, but it was a lie I discovered quickly. The night I was confronted about stumbling onto pornography, I denied the truth. I denied it multiple times.
I was only eight years old. Isn't that too young for someone to experience shame? It was the shame I had felt that caused me to deny my actions to my parents when confronted.
What was the basis of this lie? The belief I was flawed, gross, a failure, unlovable, and an embarrassment.
The lie transformed from a belief I held to an integral part of my identity. The secrecy brought on by the shame affirmed in my mind that everything I believed was true. Innocent comments by others strengthened the lie.
A few years after the lie began, I went to stay with my grandparents for the night. They were in town with some friends and picked me up on their way home. One of their friends complimented me in the car, but I took it as an affirmation of the lie.
"He is a good kid. He sits there quietly and doesn't interrupt."
The compliment that I am best when I do not share my voice was received; my voice has no value. The lie had been confirmed by adding that I received speech therapy at school.
Fast forward to the summer after my senior year of high school. I am sitting on the side of a creek bed early in the morning, trying to complete the daily devotion given to the campers at church camp. The secrecy brought by the shame took exposure to pornography to the edge of addiction. I was trapped in my sin, and I believed if it were made known for me to get help, I would be labeled and isolated from family and friends.
I was torn. I wanted freedom, but didn't want to lose the people closest to me. The shame led me to ask God for help one final time.
My prayer was a passionate cry for help, "God, take this away. BUT don't let anyone know."
The shame conditioned my request to God, the only one who could help me.
What was the outcome of the prayer? Nothing changed, and I believed I was too broken and beyond the ability of God to change me. God's silence confirmed that One Lie, and I felt there would never be hope for a new life, the one fear that would cause pain to the one closest to me.
God had not abandoned me, but was waiting for me.
Continue following the blog series, Begins with One for the journey of God’s redemption.
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A Spiritual Green ThumbThankfulness in Times of TrialOne New LifeOne StepOne DecisionOne PossibilityOne FearOne LieOne DayFurther Up. Further In.When TImes Are Good, Don’t Lose GroundBlessings From The FatherWill shame stop exploitation?New Life in ChristNew Life: A Beautiful MessWhen It’s Hard To Do What You Said you would doConviction vs. ActionNot By SightFinding Identity In The Deep EndRefuge In The StormCan I Really Change? One Guaranteed Way Inside“I Made It” A Tribute To Terry TurnerOne Decision. One Choice.Free IndeedI never knew that something that merely peaked my curiosity at the age of twelve, would turn into years of relentless shame and secrecy. Over the course of four years pornography had consumed more of my life than I ever intended to give it. I vividly remember one of my most desperate prayers to God when I was sixteen. With knots twisting in my stomach, and tears uncontrollably running down my face I said, “God, I can’t do this anymore.” It was in that moment He replied, “Jessica, you don’t have to.” If you are reading this, I don’t know where you are in life or the magnitude of the struggles that you face. What I do know, is that there is such a thing as freedom. For me, it was freedom from more than a pornography addiction. Lust, deception, shame, guilt, comparison, rejection, abandonment, and condemnation have all reared their heads in the years that followed that night when I was sixteen. At times I found myself asking, “When will this ever end?” Somehow, I fell under the impression that the surrender of one thing meant that things in this new relationship with God would inevitably be effortless afterward. Not only was I wrong, but I am glad I was wrong. John 8:36 reads, “So if the Son sets you free, you will be free indeed.” To this day, it is a verse that has brought me the greatest joy, and I want to tell you why. Jesus starts out this verse by saying “if the Son sets you free.” I couldn’t keep up with the facade that everything was okay, and that I didn’t have an addiction. Freedom came in the moment I said that I couldn’t do it anymore. It wasn’t ever going to be found in my own ability, and for that I am thankful. I am thankful that I can never be too proud of my own strength and resistance to sin. On my own I will miserably fail. Then later in the verse comes my favorite part: “free indeed.” For only six letters, indeed is a powerful word. According to Strong’s concordance, some definitions include “really, truly,” and “actually.” In other words, Jesus was saying that this freedom is without question. It’s not a distant, unattainable fantasy. It’s an undeniable reality that only He can make possible. So where does this leave you now? It leaves you with a choice. Regardless of where you consider yourself to be in this life, Jesus is the only way to lasting freedom. The lies that tell you that this is how it always must be are exactly that – lies. There is a life beyond addiction. Ten years ago, I found myself at that crossroads where I had to decide if I wanted to keep living the way I was. Jesus wasn’t just as my crossroads, but on the road leading to it. I only had to recognize that He was there.
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