One Fear
One Fear
THIRD PART OF BEGINS WITH ONE SERIES
The One Lie that transformed my life led me to create two identities—one for everyone to see and one only I know.
The shame of that One Lie ended up creating my One Fear: Letting others know my secrets and risk losing everything.
God wasn’t changing me, even though I pleaded with Him. My secrets had now become my “true” identity, guiding my every decision. My other identity had to preserve my secrets. If it failed, I would be humiliated and alone.
My One Fear had to be controlled. Everyone knew the kind, compassionate, and devoted friend. I believed I loved Jesus and told everyone I was a Christian, acting like it in public. Still, when I was alone, my secret identity took over.
Every day I lived with my fear, my ability to numb my conscience and become a better liar grew stronger.
My ability to allow others to see 97% of my life provided the means to hide the fear of anyone discovering the other 3% of me.
My control was a lie.
I could not control the secrets.
The need for great control led me to a place I never wanted to go. I crossed the boundary of physically acting out. Crossing that line strengthened my fear, making me believe I would never find freedom and would lose everything.
One evening, my wife could tell something was wrong. She asked me if I was having an affair. I told her, “No!” believing I was honest. My definition of an affair was sex with one other person only. My acting out was never with one person; it was just a need to numb the feeling of shame.
If my 3% were made known, I would lose my marriage, children, job (my boss was a friend of my in-laws), friends (my friends are married to my wife’s friends, church (all our friends were in the church), and my home.
My fear denied me any truth God wanted me to know. I couldn't trust the promises of 1 John 1:9-10, 1 Corinthians 10:13, or Hebrews 2:18.
Could God’s truth set me free (John 8:31b-32)? I didn’t see how Jesus could save me.
I could not let go of the control. Although my secrets were tearing me apart, I believed that their poison was the only relief I could get from the lies I kept.
Exposing my One Fear was the only way to be free and find peace, but I was too afraid to believe it.
I had no idea that letting go of the One Fear could lead to the One Possibility of a new life.
Therefore, dear brothers and sisters, you have no obligation to do what your sinful nature urges you to do. For if you live by its dictates, you will die. But if through the power of the Spirit you put to death the deeds of your sinful nature, you will live.
Romans 8:12-13
The One Lie that transformed my life led me to create two identities—one for everyone to see and one only I know.
The shame of that One Lie ended up creating my One Fear: Letting others know my secrets and risk losing everything.
God wasn’t changing me, even though I pleaded with Him. My secrets had now become my “true” identity, guiding my every decision. My other identity had to preserve my secrets. If it failed, I would be humiliated and alone.
My One Fear had to be controlled. Everyone knew the kind, compassionate, and devoted friend. I believed I loved Jesus and told everyone I was a Christian, acting like it in public. Still, when I was alone, my secret identity took over.
Every day I lived with my fear, my ability to numb my conscience and become a better liar grew stronger.
My ability to allow others to see 97% of my life provided the means to hide the fear of anyone discovering the other 3% of me.
My control was a lie.
I could not control the secrets.
The need for great control led me to a place I never wanted to go. I crossed the boundary of physically acting out. Crossing that line strengthened my fear, making me believe I would never find freedom and would lose everything.
One evening, my wife could tell something was wrong. She asked me if I was having an affair. I told her, “No!” believing I was honest. My definition of an affair was sex with one other person only. My acting out was never with one person; it was just a need to numb the feeling of shame.
If my 3% were made known, I would lose my marriage, children, job (my boss was a friend of my in-laws), friends (my friends are married to my wife’s friends, church (all our friends were in the church), and my home.
My fear denied me any truth God wanted me to know. I couldn't trust the promises of 1 John 1:9-10, 1 Corinthians 10:13, or Hebrews 2:18.
Could God’s truth set me free (John 8:31b-32)? I didn’t see how Jesus could save me.
I could not let go of the control. Although my secrets were tearing me apart, I believed that their poison was the only relief I could get from the lies I kept.
Exposing my One Fear was the only way to be free and find peace, but I was too afraid to believe it.
I had no idea that letting go of the One Fear could lead to the One Possibility of a new life.
Therefore, dear brothers and sisters, you have no obligation to do what your sinful nature urges you to do. For if you live by its dictates, you will die. But if through the power of the Spirit you put to death the deeds of your sinful nature, you will live.
Romans 8:12-13
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A Spiritual Green ThumbThankfulness in Times of TrialOne New LifeOne StepOne DecisionOne PossibilityOne FearOne LieOne DayFurther Up. Further In.When TImes Are Good, Don’t Lose GroundBlessings From The FatherWill shame stop exploitation?New Life in ChristNew Life: A Beautiful MessWhen It’s Hard To Do What You Said you would doConviction vs. ActionNot By SightFinding Identity In The Deep EndRefuge In The StormCan I Really Change? One Guaranteed Way Inside“I Made It” A Tribute To Terry TurnerOne Decision. One Choice.Free IndeedI never knew that something that merely peaked my curiosity at the age of twelve, would turn into years of relentless shame and secrecy. Over the course of four years pornography had consumed more of my life than I ever intended to give it. I vividly remember one of my most desperate prayers to God when I was sixteen. With knots twisting in my stomach, and tears uncontrollably running down my face I said, “God, I can’t do this anymore.” It was in that moment He replied, “Jessica, you don’t have to.” If you are reading this, I don’t know where you are in life or the magnitude of the struggles that you face. What I do know, is that there is such a thing as freedom. For me, it was freedom from more than a pornography addiction. Lust, deception, shame, guilt, comparison, rejection, abandonment, and condemnation have all reared their heads in the years that followed that night when I was sixteen. At times I found myself asking, “When will this ever end?” Somehow, I fell under the impression that the surrender of one thing meant that things in this new relationship with God would inevitably be effortless afterward. Not only was I wrong, but I am glad I was wrong. John 8:36 reads, “So if the Son sets you free, you will be free indeed.” To this day, it is a verse that has brought me the greatest joy, and I want to tell you why. Jesus starts out this verse by saying “if the Son sets you free.” I couldn’t keep up with the facade that everything was okay, and that I didn’t have an addiction. Freedom came in the moment I said that I couldn’t do it anymore. It wasn’t ever going to be found in my own ability, and for that I am thankful. I am thankful that I can never be too proud of my own strength and resistance to sin. On my own I will miserably fail. Then later in the verse comes my favorite part: “free indeed.” For only six letters, indeed is a powerful word. According to Strong’s concordance, some definitions include “really, truly,” and “actually.” In other words, Jesus was saying that this freedom is without question. It’s not a distant, unattainable fantasy. It’s an undeniable reality that only He can make possible. So where does this leave you now? It leaves you with a choice. Regardless of where you consider yourself to be in this life, Jesus is the only way to lasting freedom. The lies that tell you that this is how it always must be are exactly that – lies. There is a life beyond addiction. Ten years ago, I found myself at that crossroads where I had to decide if I wanted to keep living the way I was. Jesus wasn’t just as my crossroads, but on the road leading to it. I only had to recognize that He was there.
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