One Decision
One Decision
FIFTH IN BEGINS WITH ONE SERIES
Was today the day I would expose twenty-two years of secrets? The date was November 3rd, 2004. The One Day that had defined my life was now drawing to a close, and it could be the one that would either affirm my greatest fear or transform my life on November 3rd.
Would I trust Jesus to have the One Lie of my shame that I did not deserve forgiveness or love?
The One Possibility of His grace covering my sins and my shame consumed my thoughts.
But it would take more than the conviction of hearing a sermon and thoughts from others. I would have to come to the end of myself.
The weekend before this One Decision, Christi attended a women’s conference. I was alone with my two toddler-aged boys. My need to run from the conviction, which I thought was shame, led me to invite someone to our house after the boys were asleep.
In all the years of my secrets, I had never brought anyone around my children or into my home. But this one Friday night was going to be another line crossed.
But the line was never crossed. The conviction of the Holy Spirit overwhelmed me, and I told the person not to come to the house less than 30 minutes before they were to arrive.
How could I possibly want to cross another line after the conviction and the thought of my life changing?
My eyes were starting to open to the brokenness in my thinking and how my sin was controlling me.
But this was still not enough for me to decide to trust Jesus with everything.
Tuesday, November 2nd, 2004, would lead me to my breaking point.
Christi and I had just climbed into bed when she received a phone call. Lying next to her, I could hear the person on the other side talking about their former youth minister being caught in infidelity. This wasn’t his first time. He had repented years before and was living a life that seemed completely changed.
It was Christi’s words she shared upon hearing the news that cut me to my core, “How could his wife not know?”
I turned my back to her, saying I was going to sleep, but I was too ashamed to think someone could say the same thing about Christi.
I loved her, but she didn’t have all my heart. She was never given the chance to know me fully. My vows said I would be faithful. How could I have gone so deep into my sin that I had put everything in my life in jeopardy of losing it all?
The next day, I sat at my office desk with my Buddy List on the screen in front of me. It contained over 300 people who knew more about my secrets and fears than my wife.
I must tell her. But if I tell her, I will have to trust Jesus with the outcome. I expected to lose her, my kids, my home, my job, my friends, my church, and all my family. I will lose everything but Jesus.
I believed I could keep all those things if I didn't tell her. But I would not have Jesus, and I would have to live with the weight of my secrets and the fear of being caught.
My choices were to tell her, trust Jesus, and potentially lose everything, or keep my secrets and risk losing everything if I were ever to be caught.
It came down to which identity I would choose: my secret identity or an identity in Jesus?
By late afternoon, I made the One Decision that would change my life. My trust had to be in Jesus. Everything had failed. Surrendering everything was my only option of hope.
When I arrived home, I found Christi in our office. She could tell something was wrong, as evidenced by my watering eyes and weak legs.
Afraid I would back out of telling her my secrets, I immediately told her.
I expected her to start yelling and hitting me. God planned to show His grace in this moment. Christi was visibly hurt as she approached me. Instead of her fists pounding into my chest, her arms went around my neck, and she said we will work through this.
How?! I did not deserve this response. I had just shattered her world.
She didn’t know exactly what I hid from her, but she knew something was wrong.
Jesus gave her the strength to provide me with grace when I did not deserve it.
In His perfect timing, my small group was to meet at our house two hours after I confessed.
The three of them arrived at 7 PM, sat down, and I immediately told them what I told Christi.
The expectation was for them to get up and leave, kicking me out of the small group. What happened was not in any of the scenarios I had played out in my head.
They told me, as a group, that they disagreed with what I had done but would walk with me through the healing journey.
God’s grace was on full display.
The One Decision I had feared for decades allowed me to experience God’s grace finally.
November 3rd, 2004, marked the day I made the One Decision to completely surrender my life to Jesus and trust Him with what would come next.
Christi and I will be celebrating our twenty-ninth anniversary later this year!
The journey since the One Decision has not been easy, but I would not change my choice.
If you struggle with trusting Jesus, He is waiting to show you His mercy and grace. Take ownership of your choices, surrender them to Him, and give all of yourself to Him as your Savior.
Please contact me if you want to know more about a new life in Christ. You may, like me, have thought you had trusted Jesus, but it was only part of you. When He has all of you, a new life is possible.
because, if you confess with your mouth that Jesus is Lord and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved. For with the heart one believes and is justified, and with the mouth one confesses and is saved. For the Scripture says, “Everyone who believes in him will not be put to shame.”…For “everyone who calls on the name of the Lord will be saved.”
Romans 10:9-11,13
Was today the day I would expose twenty-two years of secrets? The date was November 3rd, 2004. The One Day that had defined my life was now drawing to a close, and it could be the one that would either affirm my greatest fear or transform my life on November 3rd.
Would I trust Jesus to have the One Lie of my shame that I did not deserve forgiveness or love?
The One Possibility of His grace covering my sins and my shame consumed my thoughts.
But it would take more than the conviction of hearing a sermon and thoughts from others. I would have to come to the end of myself.
The weekend before this One Decision, Christi attended a women’s conference. I was alone with my two toddler-aged boys. My need to run from the conviction, which I thought was shame, led me to invite someone to our house after the boys were asleep.
In all the years of my secrets, I had never brought anyone around my children or into my home. But this one Friday night was going to be another line crossed.
But the line was never crossed. The conviction of the Holy Spirit overwhelmed me, and I told the person not to come to the house less than 30 minutes before they were to arrive.
How could I possibly want to cross another line after the conviction and the thought of my life changing?
My eyes were starting to open to the brokenness in my thinking and how my sin was controlling me.
But this was still not enough for me to decide to trust Jesus with everything.
Tuesday, November 2nd, 2004, would lead me to my breaking point.
Christi and I had just climbed into bed when she received a phone call. Lying next to her, I could hear the person on the other side talking about their former youth minister being caught in infidelity. This wasn’t his first time. He had repented years before and was living a life that seemed completely changed.
It was Christi’s words she shared upon hearing the news that cut me to my core, “How could his wife not know?”
I turned my back to her, saying I was going to sleep, but I was too ashamed to think someone could say the same thing about Christi.
I loved her, but she didn’t have all my heart. She was never given the chance to know me fully. My vows said I would be faithful. How could I have gone so deep into my sin that I had put everything in my life in jeopardy of losing it all?
The next day, I sat at my office desk with my Buddy List on the screen in front of me. It contained over 300 people who knew more about my secrets and fears than my wife.
I must tell her. But if I tell her, I will have to trust Jesus with the outcome. I expected to lose her, my kids, my home, my job, my friends, my church, and all my family. I will lose everything but Jesus.
I believed I could keep all those things if I didn't tell her. But I would not have Jesus, and I would have to live with the weight of my secrets and the fear of being caught.
My choices were to tell her, trust Jesus, and potentially lose everything, or keep my secrets and risk losing everything if I were ever to be caught.
It came down to which identity I would choose: my secret identity or an identity in Jesus?
By late afternoon, I made the One Decision that would change my life. My trust had to be in Jesus. Everything had failed. Surrendering everything was my only option of hope.
When I arrived home, I found Christi in our office. She could tell something was wrong, as evidenced by my watering eyes and weak legs.
Afraid I would back out of telling her my secrets, I immediately told her.
I expected her to start yelling and hitting me. God planned to show His grace in this moment. Christi was visibly hurt as she approached me. Instead of her fists pounding into my chest, her arms went around my neck, and she said we will work through this.
How?! I did not deserve this response. I had just shattered her world.
She didn’t know exactly what I hid from her, but she knew something was wrong.
Jesus gave her the strength to provide me with grace when I did not deserve it.
In His perfect timing, my small group was to meet at our house two hours after I confessed.
The three of them arrived at 7 PM, sat down, and I immediately told them what I told Christi.
The expectation was for them to get up and leave, kicking me out of the small group. What happened was not in any of the scenarios I had played out in my head.
They told me, as a group, that they disagreed with what I had done but would walk with me through the healing journey.
God’s grace was on full display.
The One Decision I had feared for decades allowed me to experience God’s grace finally.
November 3rd, 2004, marked the day I made the One Decision to completely surrender my life to Jesus and trust Him with what would come next.
Christi and I will be celebrating our twenty-ninth anniversary later this year!
The journey since the One Decision has not been easy, but I would not change my choice.
If you struggle with trusting Jesus, He is waiting to show you His mercy and grace. Take ownership of your choices, surrender them to Him, and give all of yourself to Him as your Savior.
Please contact me if you want to know more about a new life in Christ. You may, like me, have thought you had trusted Jesus, but it was only part of you. When He has all of you, a new life is possible.
because, if you confess with your mouth that Jesus is Lord and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved. For with the heart one believes and is justified, and with the mouth one confesses and is saved. For the Scripture says, “Everyone who believes in him will not be put to shame.”…For “everyone who calls on the name of the Lord will be saved.”
Romans 10:9-11,13
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A Spiritual Green ThumbThankfulness in Times of TrialOne New LifeOne StepOne DecisionOne PossibilityOne FearOne LieOne DayFurther Up. Further In.When TImes Are Good, Don’t Lose GroundBlessings From The FatherWill shame stop exploitation?New Life in ChristNew Life: A Beautiful MessWhen It’s Hard To Do What You Said you would doConviction vs. ActionNot By SightFinding Identity In The Deep EndRefuge In The StormCan I Really Change? One Guaranteed Way Inside“I Made It” A Tribute To Terry TurnerOne Decision. One Choice.Free IndeedI never knew that something that merely peaked my curiosity at the age of twelve, would turn into years of relentless shame and secrecy. Over the course of four years pornography had consumed more of my life than I ever intended to give it. I vividly remember one of my most desperate prayers to God when I was sixteen. With knots twisting in my stomach, and tears uncontrollably running down my face I said, “God, I can’t do this anymore.” It was in that moment He replied, “Jessica, you don’t have to.” If you are reading this, I don’t know where you are in life or the magnitude of the struggles that you face. What I do know, is that there is such a thing as freedom. For me, it was freedom from more than a pornography addiction. Lust, deception, shame, guilt, comparison, rejection, abandonment, and condemnation have all reared their heads in the years that followed that night when I was sixteen. At times I found myself asking, “When will this ever end?” Somehow, I fell under the impression that the surrender of one thing meant that things in this new relationship with God would inevitably be effortless afterward. Not only was I wrong, but I am glad I was wrong. John 8:36 reads, “So if the Son sets you free, you will be free indeed.” To this day, it is a verse that has brought me the greatest joy, and I want to tell you why. Jesus starts out this verse by saying “if the Son sets you free.” I couldn’t keep up with the facade that everything was okay, and that I didn’t have an addiction. Freedom came in the moment I said that I couldn’t do it anymore. It wasn’t ever going to be found in my own ability, and for that I am thankful. I am thankful that I can never be too proud of my own strength and resistance to sin. On my own I will miserably fail. Then later in the verse comes my favorite part: “free indeed.” For only six letters, indeed is a powerful word. According to Strong’s concordance, some definitions include “really, truly,” and “actually.” In other words, Jesus was saying that this freedom is without question. It’s not a distant, unattainable fantasy. It’s an undeniable reality that only He can make possible. So where does this leave you now? It leaves you with a choice. Regardless of where you consider yourself to be in this life, Jesus is the only way to lasting freedom. The lies that tell you that this is how it always must be are exactly that – lies. There is a life beyond addiction. Ten years ago, I found myself at that crossroads where I had to decide if I wanted to keep living the way I was. Jesus wasn’t just as my crossroads, but on the road leading to it. I only had to recognize that He was there.
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