One Decision. One Choice.
One Decision. One Choice.
It came to one choice: Do I give up my marriage, my sons, my family, my job, my church, my friends, and my reputation, or do I give up on God? I had to choose one or the other. My life brought me to this point.
The secrets I had accumulated from years of viewing porn and meeting other people for sex could no longer be a part of my life if I wanted freedom, peace, and rest. I was exhausted from hiding all my actions. Everywhere I went with my wife or people who didn’t know my secrets became a mental game of “Gotcha.” Who was going to share my secrets and ruin my life? The weight of keeping all my lies straight was heavy. The mental list of lies and how they tied together was to the point where I could no longer distinguish between truth and fiction.
All the years of my addiction, I begged God to give me freedom from the porn and sexual sin, but I conditioned every plea with “God take it away, but don’t tell anyone.” Nothing changed; things only got worse. Porn became empty, so why not chat online? The online chatting didn't quite fill me; perhaps meeting people would be what I need to find contentment. No, it left me empty and isolated.
The isolation was where I was forced to make a decision. I could give up on God and keep my secrets. He hasn’t changed me, nor does he love me; perhaps I’m too broken to be changed. Or, I could let my secrets out and lose everything with little to no hope of keeping any of the things I had accumulated in my life. All I had was a final hope that God could still change me if I made my request for help unconditional, no more secrets.
My decision: agree to allow God to have everything. I gave up control and decided to accept whatever outcome came my way. I shared my secrets with Christi and my small group. My marriage, as I knew it, was destroyed. My connection with my small group was never the same.
I lost the marriage I knew. I was no longer the same father. My small group was never the same.
Giving up everything, God took away the things I needed from my life. A group of over 300 friends I kept online was gone. Freedom on my computer was no longer available. Trust to make decisions in secret was removed.
As God took away the things that needed to be removed from my life, he gave me things I never expected. He restored my marriage and allowed us to find new levels of transparency and depth. My doubt about being the father my sons would need to grow up as Godly men was replaced with a hunger to lead them. God then blessed our family with a baby girl. God gave me a new job and a place to flourish. He opened up the depths of the relationships in my small group and my church. New relationships were built through his leading. He led my secrets to be shared as part of my story of his grace, changing my reputation to a man seeking His heart.
Making the one decision to give up everything and trust God, I lost a lot and gained more than I could have ever imagined. Are you ready to trust God and see what he will do in your life? If so, don’t wait; today is the day to find freedom.
You are not alone. Because I have walked this path, I want to help you on your journey. Are you ready?
The secrets I had accumulated from years of viewing porn and meeting other people for sex could no longer be a part of my life if I wanted freedom, peace, and rest. I was exhausted from hiding all my actions. Everywhere I went with my wife or people who didn’t know my secrets became a mental game of “Gotcha.” Who was going to share my secrets and ruin my life? The weight of keeping all my lies straight was heavy. The mental list of lies and how they tied together was to the point where I could no longer distinguish between truth and fiction.
All the years of my addiction, I begged God to give me freedom from the porn and sexual sin, but I conditioned every plea with “God take it away, but don’t tell anyone.” Nothing changed; things only got worse. Porn became empty, so why not chat online? The online chatting didn't quite fill me; perhaps meeting people would be what I need to find contentment. No, it left me empty and isolated.
The isolation was where I was forced to make a decision. I could give up on God and keep my secrets. He hasn’t changed me, nor does he love me; perhaps I’m too broken to be changed. Or, I could let my secrets out and lose everything with little to no hope of keeping any of the things I had accumulated in my life. All I had was a final hope that God could still change me if I made my request for help unconditional, no more secrets.
My decision: agree to allow God to have everything. I gave up control and decided to accept whatever outcome came my way. I shared my secrets with Christi and my small group. My marriage, as I knew it, was destroyed. My connection with my small group was never the same.
I lost the marriage I knew. I was no longer the same father. My small group was never the same.
Giving up everything, God took away the things I needed from my life. A group of over 300 friends I kept online was gone. Freedom on my computer was no longer available. Trust to make decisions in secret was removed.
As God took away the things that needed to be removed from my life, he gave me things I never expected. He restored my marriage and allowed us to find new levels of transparency and depth. My doubt about being the father my sons would need to grow up as Godly men was replaced with a hunger to lead them. God then blessed our family with a baby girl. God gave me a new job and a place to flourish. He opened up the depths of the relationships in my small group and my church. New relationships were built through his leading. He led my secrets to be shared as part of my story of his grace, changing my reputation to a man seeking His heart.
Making the one decision to give up everything and trust God, I lost a lot and gained more than I could have ever imagined. Are you ready to trust God and see what he will do in your life? If so, don’t wait; today is the day to find freedom.
You are not alone. Because I have walked this path, I want to help you on your journey. Are you ready?
Posted in Decision, Addiction, hope, Family, New Life, porn, Sexual Addiction, Sexual Integrity, Surrender
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A Spiritual Green ThumbThankfulness in Times of TrialOne New LifeOne StepOne DecisionOne PossibilityOne FearOne LieOne DayFurther Up. Further In.When TImes Are Good, Don’t Lose GroundBlessings From The FatherWill shame stop exploitation?New Life in ChristNew Life: A Beautiful MessWhen It’s Hard To Do What You Said you would doConviction vs. ActionNot By SightFinding Identity In The Deep EndRefuge In The StormCan I Really Change? One Guaranteed Way Inside“I Made It” A Tribute To Terry TurnerOne Decision. One Choice.Free IndeedI never knew that something that merely peaked my curiosity at the age of twelve, would turn into years of relentless shame and secrecy. Over the course of four years pornography had consumed more of my life than I ever intended to give it. I vividly remember one of my most desperate prayers to God when I was sixteen. With knots twisting in my stomach, and tears uncontrollably running down my face I said, “God, I can’t do this anymore.” It was in that moment He replied, “Jessica, you don’t have to.” If you are reading this, I don’t know where you are in life or the magnitude of the struggles that you face. What I do know, is that there is such a thing as freedom. For me, it was freedom from more than a pornography addiction. Lust, deception, shame, guilt, comparison, rejection, abandonment, and condemnation have all reared their heads in the years that followed that night when I was sixteen. At times I found myself asking, “When will this ever end?” Somehow, I fell under the impression that the surrender of one thing meant that things in this new relationship with God would inevitably be effortless afterward. Not only was I wrong, but I am glad I was wrong. John 8:36 reads, “So if the Son sets you free, you will be free indeed.” To this day, it is a verse that has brought me the greatest joy, and I want to tell you why. Jesus starts out this verse by saying “if the Son sets you free.” I couldn’t keep up with the facade that everything was okay, and that I didn’t have an addiction. Freedom came in the moment I said that I couldn’t do it anymore. It wasn’t ever going to be found in my own ability, and for that I am thankful. I am thankful that I can never be too proud of my own strength and resistance to sin. On my own I will miserably fail. Then later in the verse comes my favorite part: “free indeed.” For only six letters, indeed is a powerful word. According to Strong’s concordance, some definitions include “really, truly,” and “actually.” In other words, Jesus was saying that this freedom is without question. It’s not a distant, unattainable fantasy. It’s an undeniable reality that only He can make possible. So where does this leave you now? It leaves you with a choice. Regardless of where you consider yourself to be in this life, Jesus is the only way to lasting freedom. The lies that tell you that this is how it always must be are exactly that – lies. There is a life beyond addiction. Ten years ago, I found myself at that crossroads where I had to decide if I wanted to keep living the way I was. Jesus wasn’t just as my crossroads, but on the road leading to it. I only had to recognize that He was there.
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