ONE FEAR
The One Lie that transformed my life led me to create two identities—one for everyone to see and one only I know.
The shame of that One Lie ended up creating my One Fear: Letting others know my secrets and risk losing everything.
God wasn’t changing me, even though I pleaded with Him. My secrets had now become my “true” identity, guiding my every decision. My other identity had to preserve my secrets. If it failed, I would be humiliated and alone.
My One Fear had to be controlled. Everyone knew the kind, compassionate, and devoted friend. I believed I loved Jesus and told everyone I was a Christian, acting like it in public. Still, when I was alone, my secret identity took over.
Every day I lived with my fear, my ability to numb my conscience and become a better liar grew stronger.
My ability to allow others to see 97% of my life provided the means to hide the fear of anyone discovering the other 3% of me.
My control was a lie.
I could not control the secrets.
The need for great control led me to a place I never wanted to go. I crossed the boundary of physically acting out. Crossing that line strengthened my fear, making me believe I would never find freedom and would lose everything.
One evening, my wife could tell something was wrong. She asked me if I was having an affair. I told her, “No!” believing I was honest. My definition of an affair was sex with one other person only. My acting out was never with one person; it was just a need to numb the feeling of shame.
If my 3% were made known, I would lose my marriage, children, job (my boss was a friend of my in-laws), friends (my friends are married to my wife’s friends, church (all our friends were in the church), and my home.
My fear denied me any truth God wanted me to know. I couldn't trust the promises of 1 John 1:9-10, 1 Corinthians 10:13, or Hebrews 2:18.
Could God’s truth set me free (John 8:31b-32)? I didn’t see how Jesus could save me.
I could not let go of the control. Although my secrets were tearing me apart, I believed that their poison was the only relief I could get from the lies I kept.
Exposing my One Fear was the only way to be free and find peace, but I was too afraid to believe it.
I had no idea that letting go of the One Fear could lead to the One Possibility of a new life.
Therefore, dear brothers and sisters, you have no obligation to do what your sinful nature urges you to do. For if you live by its dictates, you will die. But if through the power of the Spirit you put to death the deeds of your sinful nature, you will live.
Romans 8:12-13