ONE LIE

BEGINS WITH ONE SERIES

It all began with one word that would become the lie to fill an increasing number of lies that would define my identity and life.

Shame

Shame wasn't something I was taught, but it was a lie I discovered quickly. The night I was confronted about stumbling onto pornography, I denied the truth. I denied it multiple times.

I was only eight years old. Isn't that too young for someone to experience shame? It was the shame I had felt that caused me to deny my actions to my parents when confronted.

What was the basis of this lie? The belief I was flawed, gross, a failure, unlovable, and an embarrassment.

The lie went from a lie I believed to my identity. The secrecy brought on by the shame affirmed in my mind that everything I believed was true. Innocent comments by others strengthened the lie.

A few years after the start of the lie, I went with my grandparents to stay the night with them. They were in town with some friends and picked me up on their way home. One of their friends complimented me in the car, but I took it as an affirmation of the lie.

"He is a good kid. He sits there quietly and doesn't interrupt."

The compliment that I am best when I do not share my voice was received; my voice has no value. The lie had been confirmed by adding that I received speech therapy at school.

Fast forward to the summer after my senior year of high school. I am sitting on the side of a creek bed early in the morning, trying to complete the daily devotion given to the campers at church camp. The secrecy brought by the shame took an exposure to pornography to the edge of an addiction. I was trapped in my sin, and I believed if it were made known for me to get help, I would be labeled and isolated from family and friends.

I was torn. I wanted freedom but didn't want to lose the people closest to me. The shame led me to ask God for help one final time.

My prayer was a passionate cry for help, "God, take this away. BUT don't let anyone know."

The shame conditioned my request to God, the only one who could help me.

What was the outcome of the prayer? Nothing changed, and I believed I was too broken and beyond the ability of God to change me. God's silence confirmed that One Lie, and I felt there would never be hope for a new life, the one fear that would cause pain to the one closest to me.

God had not abandoned me, but was waiting for me.

Continue following the blog series, Begins with One for the journey of God’s redemption.