ONE DECISION

Was today the day I would expose twenty-two years of secrets? The date was November 3rd, 2004. The One Day that had defined my life was now coming down to another day that could possibly affirm my One Fear, or November 3rd could be a date my life is transformed.

Would I trust Jesus to have the One Lie of my shame that I did not deserve forgiveness or love?

The One Possibility of His grace covering my sins and my shame consumed my thoughts.

But it would take more than the conviction of hearing a sermon and thoughts from others. I would have to come to the end of me.

The weekend before this One Decision, Christi attended a women’s conference. I was alone with my two toddler-aged boys. My need to run from the conviction, which I thought was shame, led me to invite someone to our house after the boys were asleep.

In all the years of my secrets, I had never brought anyone around my children or into my home. But this one Friday night was going to be another line crossed.

But the line was never crossed. The conviction of the Holy Spirit overwhelmed me, and I told the person not to come to the house less than 30 minutes before they were to arrive.

How could I want to cross another line after the conviction and thought of the possibility of my life changing?

My eyes were starting to open to the brokenness in my thinking and how my sin was controlling me.

But this was still not enough for me to make the decision of trusting Jesus with everything.

Tuesday, November 2nd, 2004, would lead me to my breaking point.

Christi and I had just climbed into bed when she received a phone call. Lying next to her, I could hear the person on the other side talking about their former youth minister being caught in infidelity. This wasn’t his first time. He had repented it from the first time years before and was living a life that seemed to be completely changed.

It was Christi’s words she shared upon hearing the news that cut me to my core, “How could his wife not know?”

I turned my back to her, saying I was going to sleep, but I was too ashamed to think someone could say the same thing about Christi.

I loved her, but she didn’t have all my heart. She was never given the chance to know me fully. My vows said I would be faithful. How could I have gone so deep into my sin that I had put everything in my life in jeopardy of losing it all?

The next day, I sat at my office desk with my Buddy List on the screen in front of me. It contained over 300 people who knew more about my secrets and fears than my wife.

I must tell her. But if I tell her, I will have to trust Jesus with the outcome. I expected to lose her, my kids, my home, my job, my friends, my church, and all my family. I will lose everything but Jesus.

I believed I could keep all those things if I didn't tell her. But I would not have Jesus, and I would have to live with the weight of my secrets and the fear of being caught.

My choices were to tell her, trust Jesus, and potentially lose everything, or keep my secrets and risk losing everything if I was ever to be caught.

It came down to which identity I would choose: my secret identity or an identity in Jesus?

By late afternoon, I made the One Decision that would change my life. My trust had to be in Jesus. Everything had failed. Surrendering everything was my only option of hope.

When I arrived home, I found Christi in our office. She could tell something was wrong with my eyes watering and my legs getting weak.

Afraid I would back out in telling her my secrets, I immediately told her.

I expected her to start yelling and hitting me. God planned to show His grace in this moment. Christi was visibly hurt as she approached me. Instead of her fists pounding into my chest, her arms went around my neck, and she said we will work through this.

How?! I did not deserve this response. I had just shattered her world.

She didn’t know exactly what I hid from her, but she knew something was wrong.

Jesus gave her the strength to give me grace when I did not deserve it.

In His perfect timing, my small group was to meet at our house two hours after I confessed.

The three of them arrived at 7 PM, sat down, and I immediately told them what I told Christi.

The expectation was for them to get up and leave, kicking me out of the small group. What happened was not in any of the scenarios I had played out in my head.

They told me, as a group, that they disagreed with what I had done but would walk with me through the healing journey.

God’s grace was on full display.

The One Decision I had feared for decades allowed me to finally experience God’s grace.

November 3rd, 2004, marked the day I made the One Decision to completely surrender my life to Jesus and trust Him with what would come next.

Christi and I will be celebrating our twenty-ninth anniversary later this year!

The journey since the One Decision has not been easy, but I would not change my choice.

If you struggle with trusting Jesus, He is waiting to show you His mercy and grace. Take ownership of your choices, surrender them to Him, and give all of yourself to Him as your Savior.

Please contact me if you want to know more about a new life in Christ. You may, like me, have thought you had trusted Jesus, but it was only part of you. When He has all of you, a new life is possible.

 because, if you confess with your mouth that Jesus is Lord and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved. For with the heart one believes and is justified, and with the mouth one confesses and is saved. For the Scripture says, “Everyone who believes in him will not be put to shame.”…For “everyone who calls on the name of the Lord will be saved.”

Romans 10:9-11,13