Jackson's Story
"I realized that in order to keep avoiding the sin, I had to love God more than the sin."
When most people read the Gospels, they see themselves in the people that encounter Jesus: the seeker Nicodemus, the bleeding woman desperate to touch the hem of Jesus’ robe, the repentant Zaccheus giving up everything for his Lord, the blind man healed and shouting Jesus’ praise throughout Jerusalem.
But Jackson?
“Oh, I was a Pharisee for sure,” he will readily tell you.
Jackson really began to see the way that his inner perfectionism was controlling him early on in high school.
“My faith at the time was more of a Pharisee-type faith, where I just wanted to look like I was doing the right thing, but I wasn't actually having the right heart posture,” Jackson said.
Jackson’s desire to be perfect not only led to major disappointment, but a skewed view of God, one who was more interested in doling out judgement than a relationship.
“That’s how I viewed God. If I did something right, then he would reward me, but if I did something wrong, he would punish me,” Jackson recalled.
That view of God, as a judge rather than a father, stuck with Jackson through college and his early adulthood - leading him to act out with pornography and masturbation as a means of dealing with the pain of perfectionism. After graduating, Jackson moved to Washington D.C., where he continued to struggle with perfectionism and pornography, eventually facing a turning point.
“I would use pornography as an outlet,” Jackson told me, “And that was my way of addressing the symptom of (1), not being in control, (2), not feeling good enough, and then (3), putting my identity into my actions and works.”
On a visit home to Tulsa, Jackson reached out to his mentor, Frank, who had been helping him process and work through his addiction since high school. Sitting at a local park, Jackson laid everything out for Frank– the brokenness, the pain, the emotional toll of acting out.
Instead of pulling away, Frank leaned into Jackson and offered help. Still sitting with Jackson, Frank pulled out his phone and called Dallas, a leader at Changing Lanes, to see if he would be willing to meet with Jackson and learn about his story.
Within a few weeks, Jackson was in one of our Men’s Groups, but it was just the start of his journey.
While in D.C., Jackson had broken off the toxic relationship and had started dating Sara. After dating for just six months, he knew that Sara would be his wife. Sara was aware of his addiction and was supportive of his journey to healing, but Jackson continued to struggle with the mindset of sin management. He believed that once he started working on the “porn problem,” their relationship would be primed for marriage and the addiction would subside.
Five months into men’s group, Jackson began to tell his small group about his plans to propose to Sara in the following weeks. He had arranged everything, a ring, a special weekend– he had even booked a photographer to capture the moment he went down on one knee.
But Jackson’s leaders, Brett and Dallas, slammed on the brakes. Jackson was not even close to being ready to propose and begin the process of preparing for marriage. He was still acting out, dealing with the sin management mindset, and nowhere close to a heart posture of surrender necessary to find freedom. Brett and Dallas firmly, but reassuringly, advised Jackson to call off the proposal until the Lord gave him peace and confidence to move forward in “His timing”.
“That was a gut punch,” Jackson remembers, “I had already planned everything out and it was like, ‘Well, now I gotta change my plans.’”
Faced with the reality that he was not ready to move forward in his relationship, Jackson began to earnestly seek heart change, not simple behavior management. He was still certain that Sara was meant to be his wife, but he was uncertain how to fully surrender to Christ.
As he dug into healing, he clung to the words of hope he found in Hebrews 2:18.
“For because He himself suffered when he was tempted, he is able to help those who are being tempted.”
“I kept asking God to change my heart,” Jackson remembers about praying over Hebrews 2. “There’s nothing that we’ve gone through that he hasn’t experienced, and so we can use him as a shield and an advocate. I just kept laying my struggles and burdens at his feet and trusting that He would take them away from me.”
A few months later, Jackson was on a date with Sara and looked over at her. God spoke to him at that moment:
“This is your wife. You are now ready.”
It took total surrender for Jackson to be able to come to the place where he was ready to be engaged to Sara.
“[Postponing the proposal] really put things in perspective of, “What do I desire more? Do I desire to just keep looking at pornography or do I desire to get married to this girl?” Jackson recalls thinking. “They helped me frame it as, ‘Do I actually want to get well?’
“I think it's really easy for guys to skate by and say the right things, but there have to be consequences. And the consequence for me was if I keep doing this, I am not going to be able to get married or get engaged.
"I had to find a motivation or a reason to get out. And Sara was the initial one, but then I realized that to continue avoiding the sin, I had to love God more than my sin.”
As Jackson looks back now on his time in Changing Lanes, he knows that he couldn’t be the man that he needed to be for his now-wife without a complete change of heart.
“The Lord knew the quality of man that Sara deserves is one that I was not at that time. I don’t think Sara would have gone through with it because she was also serious about me getting well.”
In February, Jackson and Sara welcomed their first child, Josie, and Jackson has stepped into the next big challenge: fatherhood.
“I think the thing that helps me carry this into fatherhood is that it makes it very real,” Jackson says of caring for his young daughter. “I can't continue living like this or dealing with this sin, while I am raising this girl.”
“I want to be the type of man that models how men should treat women as I am raising her. It added an extra like impetus to continue seeking God out and not just managing my sin.”
When most people read the Gospels, they see themselves in the people that encounter Jesus: the seeker Nicodemus, the bleeding woman desperate to touch the hem of Jesus’ robe, the repentant Zaccheus giving up everything for his Lord, the blind man healed and shouting Jesus’ praise throughout Jerusalem.
But Jackson?
“Oh, I was a Pharisee for sure,” he will readily tell you.
Jackson really began to see the way that his inner perfectionism was controlling him early on in high school.
“My faith at the time was more of a Pharisee-type faith, where I just wanted to look like I was doing the right thing, but I wasn't actually having the right heart posture,” Jackson said.
Jackson’s desire to be perfect not only led to major disappointment, but a skewed view of God, one who was more interested in doling out judgement than a relationship.
“That’s how I viewed God. If I did something right, then he would reward me, but if I did something wrong, he would punish me,” Jackson recalled.
That view of God, as a judge rather than a father, stuck with Jackson through college and his early adulthood - leading him to act out with pornography and masturbation as a means of dealing with the pain of perfectionism. After graduating, Jackson moved to Washington D.C., where he continued to struggle with perfectionism and pornography, eventually facing a turning point.
“I would use pornography as an outlet,” Jackson told me, “And that was my way of addressing the symptom of (1), not being in control, (2), not feeling good enough, and then (3), putting my identity into my actions and works.”
On a visit home to Tulsa, Jackson reached out to his mentor, Frank, who had been helping him process and work through his addiction since high school. Sitting at a local park, Jackson laid everything out for Frank– the brokenness, the pain, the emotional toll of acting out.
Instead of pulling away, Frank leaned into Jackson and offered help. Still sitting with Jackson, Frank pulled out his phone and called Dallas, a leader at Changing Lanes, to see if he would be willing to meet with Jackson and learn about his story.
Within a few weeks, Jackson was in one of our Men’s Groups, but it was just the start of his journey.
While in D.C., Jackson had broken off the toxic relationship and had started dating Sara. After dating for just six months, he knew that Sara would be his wife. Sara was aware of his addiction and was supportive of his journey to healing, but Jackson continued to struggle with the mindset of sin management. He believed that once he started working on the “porn problem,” their relationship would be primed for marriage and the addiction would subside.
Five months into men’s group, Jackson began to tell his small group about his plans to propose to Sara in the following weeks. He had arranged everything, a ring, a special weekend– he had even booked a photographer to capture the moment he went down on one knee.
But Jackson’s leaders, Brett and Dallas, slammed on the brakes. Jackson was not even close to being ready to propose and begin the process of preparing for marriage. He was still acting out, dealing with the sin management mindset, and nowhere close to a heart posture of surrender necessary to find freedom. Brett and Dallas firmly, but reassuringly, advised Jackson to call off the proposal until the Lord gave him peace and confidence to move forward in “His timing”.
“That was a gut punch,” Jackson remembers, “I had already planned everything out and it was like, ‘Well, now I gotta change my plans.’”
Faced with the reality that he was not ready to move forward in his relationship, Jackson began to earnestly seek heart change, not simple behavior management. He was still certain that Sara was meant to be his wife, but he was uncertain how to fully surrender to Christ.
As he dug into healing, he clung to the words of hope he found in Hebrews 2:18.
“For because He himself suffered when he was tempted, he is able to help those who are being tempted.”
“I kept asking God to change my heart,” Jackson remembers about praying over Hebrews 2. “There’s nothing that we’ve gone through that he hasn’t experienced, and so we can use him as a shield and an advocate. I just kept laying my struggles and burdens at his feet and trusting that He would take them away from me.”
A few months later, Jackson was on a date with Sara and looked over at her. God spoke to him at that moment:
“This is your wife. You are now ready.”
It took total surrender for Jackson to be able to come to the place where he was ready to be engaged to Sara.
“[Postponing the proposal] really put things in perspective of, “What do I desire more? Do I desire to just keep looking at pornography or do I desire to get married to this girl?” Jackson recalls thinking. “They helped me frame it as, ‘Do I actually want to get well?’
“I think it's really easy for guys to skate by and say the right things, but there have to be consequences. And the consequence for me was if I keep doing this, I am not going to be able to get married or get engaged.
"I had to find a motivation or a reason to get out. And Sara was the initial one, but then I realized that to continue avoiding the sin, I had to love God more than my sin.”
As Jackson looks back now on his time in Changing Lanes, he knows that he couldn’t be the man that he needed to be for his now-wife without a complete change of heart.
“The Lord knew the quality of man that Sara deserves is one that I was not at that time. I don’t think Sara would have gone through with it because she was also serious about me getting well.”
In February, Jackson and Sara welcomed their first child, Josie, and Jackson has stepped into the next big challenge: fatherhood.
“I think the thing that helps me carry this into fatherhood is that it makes it very real,” Jackson says of caring for his young daughter. “I can't continue living like this or dealing with this sin, while I am raising this girl.”
“I want to be the type of man that models how men should treat women as I am raising her. It added an extra like impetus to continue seeking God out and not just managing my sin.”
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Blessings From The FatherThankfulness in Times of TrialOne New LifeOne StepOne DecisionOne PossibilityOne FearOne LieOne DayFurther Up. Further In.When TImes Are Good, Don’t Lose GroundWill shame stop exploitation?A Spiritual Green ThumbNew Life in ChristNew Life: A Beautiful MessWhen It’s Hard To Do What You Said you would doConviction vs. ActionNot By SightFinding Identity In The Deep EndRefuge In The StormCan I Really Change? One Guaranteed Way Inside“I Made It” A Tribute To Terry TurnerOne Decision. One Choice.Free IndeedI never knew that something that merely peaked my curiosity at the age of twelve, would turn into years of relentless shame and secrecy. Over the course of four years pornography had consumed more of my life than I ever intended to give it. I vividly remember one of my most desperate prayers to God when I was sixteen. With knots twisting in my stomach, and tears uncontrollably running down my face I said, “God, I can’t do this anymore.” It was in that moment He replied, “Jessica, you don’t have to.” If you are reading this, I don’t know where you are in life or the magnitude of the struggles that you face. What I do know, is that there is such a thing as freedom. For me, it was freedom from more than a pornography addiction. Lust, deception, shame, guilt, comparison, rejection, abandonment, and condemnation have all reared their heads in the years that followed that night when I was sixteen. At times I found myself asking, “When will this ever end?” Somehow, I fell under the impression that the surrender of one thing meant that things in this new relationship with God would inevitably be effortless afterward. Not only was I wrong, but I am glad I was wrong. John 8:36 reads, “So if the Son sets you free, you will be free indeed.” To this day, it is a verse that has brought me the greatest joy, and I want to tell you why. Jesus starts out this verse by saying “if the Son sets you free.” I couldn’t keep up with the facade that everything was okay, and that I didn’t have an addiction. Freedom came in the moment I said that I couldn’t do it anymore. It wasn’t ever going to be found in my own ability, and for that I am thankful. I am thankful that I can never be too proud of my own strength and resistance to sin. On my own I will miserably fail. Then later in the verse comes my favorite part: “free indeed.” For only six letters, indeed is a powerful word. According to Strong’s concordance, some definitions include “really, truly,” and “actually.” In other words, Jesus was saying that this freedom is without question. It’s not a distant, unattainable fantasy. It’s an undeniable reality that only He can make possible. So where does this leave you now? It leaves you with a choice. Regardless of where you consider yourself to be in this life, Jesus is the only way to lasting freedom. The lies that tell you that this is how it always must be are exactly that – lies. There is a life beyond addiction. Ten years ago, I found myself at that crossroads where I had to decide if I wanted to keep living the way I was. Jesus wasn’t just as my crossroads, but on the road leading to it. I only had to recognize that He was there.
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