"I realized that in order to keep avoiding the sin, I had to love God more than the sin."
When most people read the Gospels, they see themselves in the people that encounter Jesus: the seeker Nicodemus, the bleeding woman desperate to touch the hem of Jesus’ robe, the repentant Zaccheus giving up everything for his Lord, the blind man healed and shouting Jesus’ praise throughout Jerusalem. 
But Jackson? 
“Oh, I was a Pharisee for sure,” he will readily tell you. 
 
Jackson really began to see the way that his inner perfectionism was controlling him early on in high school. 
 
“My faith at the time was more of a Pharisee-type faith, where I just wanted to look like I was doing the right thing, but I wasn't actually having the right heart posture,” Jackson said. 
 
Jackson’s desire to be perfect not only led to major disappointment, but a skewed view of God, one who was more interested in doling out judgement than a relationship. 
 
“That’s how I viewed God. If I did something right, then he would reward me, but if I did something wrong, he would punish me,” Jackson recalled. 
 
That view of God, as a judge rather than a father, stuck with Jackson through college and his early adulthood - leading him to act out with pornography and masturbation as a means of dealing with the pain of perfectionism. After graduating, Jackson moved to Washington D.C., where he continued to struggle with perfectionism and pornography, eventually facing a turning point.  
 
“I would use pornography as an outlet,” Jackson told me, “And that was my way of addressing the symptom of (1), not being in control, (2), not feeling good enough, and then (3), putting my identity into my actions and works.”
 
On a visit home to Tulsa, Jackson reached out to his mentor, Frank, who had been helping him process and work through his addiction since high school. Sitting at a local park, Jackson laid everything out for Frank– the brokenness, the pain, the emotional toll of acting out. 
 
Instead of pulling away, Frank leaned into Jackson and offered help. Still sitting with Jackson, Frank pulled out his phone and called Dallas, a leader at Changing Lanes, to see if he would be willing to meet with Jackson and learn about his story. 
 
Within a few weeks, Jackson was in one of our Men’s Groups, but it was just the start of his journey. 
 
While in D.C., Jackson had broken off the toxic relationship and had started dating Sara. After dating for just six months, he knew that Sara would be his wife. Sara was aware of his addiction and was supportive of his journey to healing, but Jackson continued to struggle with the mindset of sin management. He believed that once he started working on the “porn problem,” their relationship would be primed for marriage and the addiction would subside.
 
Five months into men’s group, Jackson began to tell his small group about his plans to propose to Sara in the following weeks. He had arranged everything, a ring, a special weekend– he had even booked a photographer to capture the moment he went down on one knee. 
 
But Jackson’s leaders, Brett and Dallas, slammed on the brakes. Jackson was not even close to being ready to propose and begin the process of preparing for marriage. He was still acting out, dealing with the sin management mindset, and nowhere close to a heart posture of surrender necessary to find freedom. Brett and Dallas firmly, but reassuringly, advised Jackson to call off the proposal until the Lord gave him peace and confidence to move forward in “His timing”. 
 
“That was a gut punch,” Jackson remembers, “I had already planned everything out and it was like, ‘Well, now I gotta change my plans.’” 
 
Faced with the reality that he was not ready to move forward in his relationship, Jackson began to earnestly seek heart change, not simple behavior management. He was still certain that Sara was meant to be his wife, but he was uncertain how to fully surrender to Christ.
 
As he dug into healing, he clung to the words of hope he found in Hebrews 2:18. 
 
“For because He himself suffered when he was tempted, he is able to help those who are being tempted.”
 
“I kept asking God to change my heart,” Jackson remembers about praying over Hebrews 2. “There’s nothing that we’ve gone through that he hasn’t experienced, and so we can use him as a shield and an advocate. I just kept laying my struggles and burdens at his feet and trusting that He would take them away from me.” 
 
A few months later, Jackson was on a date with Sara and looked over at her. God spoke to him at that moment:
 
“This is your wife. You are now ready.” 
 
It took total surrender for Jackson to be able to come to the place where he was ready to be engaged to Sara. 
 
“[Postponing the proposal] really put things in perspective of, “What do I desire more? Do I desire to just keep looking at pornography or do I desire to get married to this girl?” Jackson recalls thinking. “They helped me frame it as, ‘Do I actually want to get well?’
 
“I think it's really easy for guys to skate by and say the right things, but there have to be consequences. And the consequence for me was if I keep doing this, I am not going to be able to get married or get engaged.
 
"I had to find a motivation or a reason to get out. And Sara was the initial one, but then I realized that to continue avoiding the sin, I had to love God more than my sin.”
 
As Jackson looks back now on his time in Changing Lanes, he knows that he couldn’t be the man that he needed to be for his now-wife without a complete change of heart. 
 
“The Lord knew the quality of man that Sara deserves is one that I was not at that time. I don’t think Sara would have gone through with it because she was also serious about me getting well.” 
 
In February, Jackson and Sara welcomed their first child, Josie, and Jackson has stepped into the next big challenge: fatherhood. 
 
“I think the thing that helps me carry this into fatherhood is that it makes it very real,” Jackson says of caring for his young daughter.  “I can't continue living like this or dealing with this sin, while I am raising this girl.”
 
“I want to be the type of man that models how men should treat women as I am raising her. It added an extra like impetus to continue seeking God out and not just managing my sin.” 

Humble as he is, Josh hates being called a prodigy. But in his early 20s, he planted a church that saw explosive growth, growing from just a handful of attenders to several hundred in just a few months. Once you've met Josh, the reason for the church growth seems obvious: he's a young, charismatic, and hip. Throw in that he loves Jesus and is unafraid to speak of the power of Jesus' name, and it's no wonder that people flocked to his church.
But on the inside, Josh was crumbling. In his teen years, he had been introduced to pornography– a habit that he had hoped to break by the time he entered the ministry. But like many pastors, Josh had unintentionally insulated himself from being able to be fully vulnerable with anyone, and he was unable to ask for the help he desperately needed. He feared that if he were truly honest about his faults, his successful and growing church would fall, leaving a scattered and discouraged flock to fend for themselves. His silence, he reckoned, was the cost to protect his congregation.
As he suffered through the shame spiral of secretly battling pornography, Josh’s addiction grew to meeting with women for sex. As the pressures of his successful ministry grew, so did Josh’s need to act out, only taking Josh deeper into his addiction. By this point, he was living what can only be described as a double life.
After a long day of ministry, Josh received a call that would change his life. One of the women with whom he’d an affair months ago was pregnant with his child. He was going to become a father.
Josh remembers how jarring the news was. Of course he was overjoyed to become a dad, but that joy was overshadowed by the fear that he would lose everything he held dear. 
“Who could I tell?” Josh remembers asking himself. As he sat quietly on his bed after the phone call, God broke through the silence.

“You can either have your ministry or your freedom.”

Josh was broken over the thought that he would lose his ministry and everything that he had worked to build, but the call to freedom, true freedom from the lies and secrecy that had plagued him for years, was too strong to deny. 
Josh called together the elders of his church that night and confessed his secret life to them. Almost immediately, Josh was removed from his role as pastor and relocated to live with family in Tulsa. 
As he started into Changing Lanes, Josh admits being thoroughly humbled by his circumstances. He had gone from pastoring a flourishing church, to working in a call center. He felt as though he had been completely sidelined by God.

And working through his addiction in Changing Lanes was no easier.

“This is either going to kill me, or it will heal me,” Josh recalls feeling in his first month in the ministry. 
But as Josh continued through the program, he began to understand that his ministry was beyond the title of "pastor' and rooted in a deeper place within him than his vocation. God was using him to reach the people around him in ways that were never possible when he was in full-time ministry. 
Having graduated from Changing Lanes, Josh now lives in freedom from his addiction and the lifestyle that accompanied it. No more lies. No more cycle of shame. But perhaps most important is that Josh can now be the father that he needs to be. If you ask Josh about what it's like to be a dad, he'll smile ear to ear and gush about how God has blessed him.
Josh's story is a reminder that God's call of obedience almost always requires us to let go of something we hold dear– even sometimes something good!– in order for him to place an even bigger blessings in our hands. For Josh, and so many in the Changing Lanes family, that blessing is a restoration to freedom, wholeness, and a new life.

Post from November 2024

Amid doubt, loss, disappointment, and uncertainty, would you believe me if I told you I am thankful?  
 
The last four years brought more challenges than I had ever imagined for my family. But this year elevated the reason I am thankful.
 
My son has been homebound since he started to experience vertigo and migraines four years ago. We have been across the US to find answers to the never-ending symptoms. World-class doctors, the top in their fields, have been unable to determine why he is unable to escape migraines and vertigo 24/7. We finished our sixth trip to the Mayo Clinic earlier this month, and we are still left with no answers.
 
Three years ago, my other son experienced unexplainable health issues that have left him on disability.

My wife and daughter battle autoimmune issues daily.  

All these things should lead me to a place where I ask God why and live in constant anger toward Him.

But His faithfulness despite the physical issues leaves me thankful.
 
Earlier this year, I learned of the painful secrets of individuals close to me. July brought the death of my father and the requirement to take over his company until it could be sold.

But a few weeks ago, I was able to thank God for the anniversary of the day I surrendered my life to Him and allowed Christi into the darkest parts of my life.

The pain is excruciating, but his peace is greater.
Oh give thanks to Yahweh, call upon His name;
Make known His acts among the peoples.
I Chronicles 16:8
 
As my personal life is attacked, Changing Lanes continues to flourish. We will graduate our 32nd group in a few months, and our waiting list is constantly full of men seeking freedom. In the spring of 2025, Changing Lanes will move into larger office space to add more services and groups.

I am thankful God has been faithful. Despite the pain, I know He is with me.
Changing Lanes needs considerable funds to meet its budget for 2024. We need increased funds to cover the new lease and over $100,000 to prepare the new space so that we can thrive in helping men, wives, children, families, and churches.

I am thankful for the unknown. I am blessed to know the challenges allow me to keep my trust in my Lord.

I lean on my God's thankfulness when everything leads me to despair. Jesus is the rock on which I rest, and I thank him for rescuing me.  

And whatever you do in word or deed, do all in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through Him.
Colossians 3:17
 
Want to help us grow? You can give by going to our giving page.

SEVENTH IN BEGINS WITH ONE SERIES

November 3rd, 2024, will mark twenty years since I took the One Step of Faith to tell my wife my darkest secrets. It was the day I surrendered everything I could control and chose to believe Jesus was my Lord, greater than the One Fear that defined my life.

The One Step has led to a One New Life.
 
My secrets no longer controlled my life. The shame of hiding the One Lie I believed defined my identity, but I was exposed to the truth that God’s grace was greater than anything I had done.

In the moment of faith to fully surrender, I had no idea what would be in store for me. All I wanted was to be free and the best husband and father for my family.
 
Christi and I spent two years in counseling to work on healing our marriage. The turning point came when I learned empathy. Putting myself in someone else’s shoes changed how I saw Christi’s hurt. I had a new understanding of the pain people in my life were experiencing. My heart was changing from protecting myself to helping others.

When you make the One Decision to surrender to Jesus fully and put faith into making the One Step, you open yourself to placing other people before you. Your love is no longer selfish, filling only your needs, but wanting to help the needs of others.
 
God will do things contrary to your previous decisions. Many of those decisions can change more lives than just your own.

As I approached the second anniversary of the One Step, a desire to share my story began to grow within me. Putting it into perspective, I am an introvert, and God wanted to move me out of my comfort zone to help others. Sharing anything about myself, let alone my darkest secrets, felt irrational.
 
My story was shared with our small group at church, which averaged twelve people on a Sunday. The day I shared my story, there were over thirty people in the room! Life was changed that day, but it was not fully known until the following year, when God created a new desire to share the bad and the good of my story with our entire church. In June 2007, Christi and I trusted that God was leading us to share our story. The secret was now out to the world. I could no longer control my identity; I had to trust in my identity in Jesus.

At the end of the service, we offered our phone numbers and emails to anyone who needed assistance. Neither one of us claimed to be an expert, but we understood the struggle of walking alongside someone who wishes to be free.
 
Walking down from the stage was one of the most significant defining moments of my life. My mom and dad were in attendance. My dad walked up with tears in his eyes and said, “I am proud of you!” and he hugged me. I cherish this memory even more after his passing last month.

The following day, Christi and I both received multiple messages from people asking for help. I was already on a work trip when the messages arrived. I called Christi to share the news, and she told me about the messages she received. The call ended with me telling her, “I guess God has something new planned for our lives.” A few months later, Changing Lanes(CL) was unofficially born when I met with men in a counseling office’s break room on Sunday afternoons.

The One Step to change my life did not end with just One New Life changed. Almost two hundred men have graduated from our CL Men program. Hundreds of students heard the message of hope that defines them through their identity in Jesus. Hundreds of parents gained wisdom from our parent forums, helping them create a safe environment for their children and preventing them from being defined by the One Lie.

The One Lie defined my old life. My new life is defined by the One Truth—that Jesus Christ is the only Savior. He is the only one who can free us from our sins. Jesus is not a myth; his power to free you is greater than your shame.
 
One New life never ends with one. Your decision will change your family, friends, work, church, and community.

Freedom may seem impossible, and the fear of change can be a deterrent to taking the step of faith, but the truth will transform your life. Take the One Step to One New Life.

Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation. The old has passed away; behold, the new has come.
2 Corinthians 5:17

Contact us at info@changinglanes.org to discover how your life can be changed.

SIXTH IN BEGINS WITH ONE SERIES

The One Decision to surrender my fears and secrets to Jesus brought my first understanding of grace.

I expected Christi to kick me out of the house and to lose everything. Instead, I found I was not alone. My wife was willing to fight for our marriage, and my small group provided a safe place for transparency.
 
Making the One Decision brought me to a crossroads between my past and future. I could hope God had me, or I could do all the right things, but I never fully trusted that He would lead me through life's daily fears.
 
My surrender to Jesus required me to trust Him with my secrets, but now I needed to take the One Step of trusting Him with every day of my life.

It started within hours of my confession. I joined an online accountability program, and we were signed up for marriage counseling.
 
The most straightforward and most significant step came in my routine. My mornings now begin with putting action to my trust in a quiet time of prayer. My lunch hour, which I would typically spend seeking out or talking to inappropriate people, was now spent leaving work, parking under a tree at a nearby park, and reading the Bible.

Something was different. The times of prayer and reading no longer seemed like a checklist item but a part of a relationship with Jesus.
 
When I share my story, I use the analogy of two hands. Imagine holding onto a rope with two hands as you are falling off a cliff. Jesus is there with you, asking you to let go of the rope so He can show you that you are safe. But in fear, you only let go with one hand, still trusting what you see and not trusting what He asks of you. There will be a point when your strength to hold the rope will give out. It is not until you give Him both hands, letting go of the rope, that you realize He already has a plan in place to keep you from falling. However, you cannot see the plan until you trust Him 100%.

As the days turned into weeks and months, I gained a new understanding of how I was defined. I believed my actions and my thoughts defined me. Taking the One Step allowed me to understand that I was defined by Jesus.
 
And do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind, so that you may approve what the will of God is, that which is good and pleasing and perfect.
Romans 12:2

Change was no longer based on my ability to be perfect. Change was defined by my daily trust and surrender to Jesus Christ.
 
In the book The Game Plan, Joe Dallas talks about sexual purity and sexual sobriety.
 
We always fail and still can fail when all we focus on is the goal of purity. We are all sinners, and when we sin, if our only focus is purity, we will see ourselves as failures. The typical response is to believe we must start the journey from the beginning.  

This is not the reality Jesus gives us in our surrender to Him.

Sobriety is another story. The Bible tells us that God’s mercy is new every morning (Lamentations 3:22-23). What if we focused on the grace found in today's sobriety instead of on the goal of purity?

It starts by seeking Him FIRST, asking Him for grace throughout the day, protection from temptation, and giving thanks for His love. Your day is no longer focused on what you will not do to achieve the goal but on the one who will lead you to it.

You will find success in the grace of the day. When you do this daily, taking the One Step of daily sobriety, you can look back and see you are walking a journey of purity. Even if you stumble, you get up, confess, thank Jesus for His forgiveness, and continue the journey.
 
A life that was once defined by One Day, which led to One Lie and grew into One Fear, is now changed by embracing the One Possibility of change, making the One Decision of surrender, and taking One Step of faith. Where does this lead?

One New Life!

Contact us at info@changinglanes.org to discover how your life can be changed.

FIFTH IN BEGINS WITH ONE SERIES

Was today the day I would expose twenty-two years of secrets? The date was November 3rd, 2004. The One Day that had defined my life was now drawing to a close, and it could be the one that would either affirm my greatest fear or transform my life on November 3rd.

Would I trust Jesus to have the One Lie of my shame that I did not deserve forgiveness or love?

The One Possibility of His grace covering my sins and my shame consumed my thoughts.

But it would take more than the conviction of hearing a sermon and thoughts from others. I would have to come to the end of myself.

The weekend before this One Decision, Christi attended a women’s conference. I was alone with my two toddler-aged boys. My need to run from the conviction, which I thought was shame, led me to invite someone to our house after the boys were asleep.

In all the years of my secrets, I had never brought anyone around my children or into my home. But this one Friday night was going to be another line crossed.

But the line was never crossed. The conviction of the Holy Spirit overwhelmed me, and I told the person not to come to the house less than 30 minutes before they were to arrive.

How could I possibly want to cross another line after the conviction and the thought of my life changing?

My eyes were starting to open to the brokenness in my thinking and how my sin was controlling me.

But this was still not enough for me to decide to trust Jesus with everything.
Tuesday, November 2nd, 2004, would lead me to my breaking point.

Christi and I had just climbed into bed when she received a phone call. Lying next to her, I could hear the person on the other side talking about their former youth minister being caught in infidelity. This wasn’t his first time. He had repented years before and was living a life that seemed completely changed.

It was Christi’s words she shared upon hearing the news that cut me to my core, “How could his wife not know?”

I turned my back to her, saying I was going to sleep, but I was too ashamed to think someone could say the same thing about Christi.

I loved her, but she didn’t have all my heart. She was never given the chance to know me fully. My vows said I would be faithful. How could I have gone so deep into my sin that I had put everything in my life in jeopardy of losing it all?

The next day, I sat at my office desk with my Buddy List on the screen in front of me. It contained over 300 people who knew more about my secrets and fears than my wife.

I must tell her. But if I tell her, I will have to trust Jesus with the outcome. I expected to lose her, my kids, my home, my job, my friends, my church, and all my family. I will lose everything but Jesus.

I believed I could keep all those things if I didn't tell her. But I would not have Jesus, and I would have to live with the weight of my secrets and the fear of being caught.

My choices were to tell her, trust Jesus, and potentially lose everything, or keep my secrets and risk losing everything if I were ever to be caught.

It came down to which identity I would choose: my secret identity or an identity in Jesus?

By late afternoon, I made the One Decision that would change my life. My trust had to be in Jesus. Everything had failed. Surrendering everything was my only option of hope.

When I arrived home, I found Christi in our office. She could tell something was wrong, as evidenced by my watering eyes and weak legs.

Afraid I would back out of telling her my secrets, I immediately told her.
I expected her to start yelling and hitting me. God planned to show His grace in this moment. Christi was visibly hurt as she approached me. Instead of her fists pounding into my chest, her arms went around my neck, and she said we will work through this.

How?! I did not deserve this response. I had just shattered her world.

She didn’t know exactly what I hid from her, but she knew something was wrong.

Jesus gave her the strength to provide me with grace when I did not deserve it.

In His perfect timing, my small group was to meet at our house two hours after I confessed.

The three of them arrived at 7 PM, sat down, and I immediately told them what I told Christi.

The expectation was for them to get up and leave, kicking me out of the small group. What happened was not in any of the scenarios I had played out in my head.

They told me, as a group, that they disagreed with what I had done but would walk with me through the healing journey.

God’s grace was on full display.

The One Decision I had feared for decades allowed me to experience God’s grace finally.

November 3rd, 2004, marked the day I made the One Decision to completely surrender my life to Jesus and trust Him with what would come next.

Christi and I will be celebrating our twenty-ninth anniversary later this year!

The journey since the One Decision has not been easy, but I would not change my choice.

If you struggle with trusting Jesus, He is waiting to show you His mercy and grace. Take ownership of your choices, surrender them to Him, and give all of yourself to Him as your Savior.

Please contact me if you want to know more about a new life in Christ. You may, like me, have thought you had trusted Jesus, but it was only part of you. When He has all of you, a new life is possible.

 because, if you confess with your mouth that Jesus is Lord and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved. For with the heart one believes and is justified, and with the mouth one confesses and is saved. For the Scripture says, “Everyone who believes in him will not be put to shame.”…For “everyone who calls on the name of the Lord will be saved.”
Romans 10:9-11,13

FOURTH IN BEGINS WITH ONE SERIES

The One Day that has defined my life for over twenty-two years, creating the One Lie I believed was my real identity, drove me to protect against the One Fear of Shame.

Protecting against the fear of being found out was exhausting. The one thing I wanted to stop was the only thing I could find to comfort the fear. The cycle of addiction took me farther than I wanted to go in my life. It seemed to cost me everything I cherished.
 
I wanted to believe I could be changed. Freedom was something I wanted, but peace felt like a dream.

I held on to my secrets, living an identity for everyone to see, but I knew that my true identity was the one I kept hidden. The real Brett was in that hidden 3%.
 
The idea of loving my wife and my two young children openly, without any secrets, was something I deeply desired. However, I wondered how it could ever happen, as my life experiences had led me to believe it was impossible.

God had other plans to show me there was One Possibility for my life to be different—not just different, but transformed.
 
But how could He?
 
I already go to church, attend a men’s small group, tithe, occasionally read my Bible, pray, am nice to others, and believe Jesus is Lord.

If I do all these things and I haven’t been changed already, how could God change me?

His plan was shown to me in a series of events over a few weeks.
 
The first event was when a member of the small group shared his struggle with pornography and how he took extreme actions to ensure He stayed away from it while traveling. This shocked me.
 
My immediate thoughts after hearing this guy share his struggle were, “You are crazy!” How could he think people would still be his friends, let alone respect him? Will other people see my lies after he shared his? How can I avoid being exposed?
 
This fear led my walls of protection to go even higher!

A few months after hearing this “craziness.” Our associate pastor had a rare occasion to preach on a Sunday. I don’t recall the message, but as I sat with the congregation listening to his sermon, I was sure I was the source material for his message.
 
How did he know my struggles? I know he didn’t, but it felt as if he had been stalking me. The sermon cornered me into questioning everything I had done and then led me to consider the possibility that Jesus could forgive all of it.

I didn't realize at the time that, through this series of events, Jesus was answering my prayers.
 
Below are a few of the journal entries from my prayers three years before:
Lord, please forgive me for I have sinned. Break my heart and turn me from my sin for all of my days. Give me the strength to get help.  - April 24th, 2001
Lord, please forgive me of my sins… I have fallen so far… Please help me before I destroy my life! –June 26th, 2001
Give me the strength and courage to admit my sins. I ask that you will find mercy on me when I do – July 31st, 2001 
 
”He put a new song in my mouth, a song of praise to our God; Many will see and fear And will trust in the Lord.“  Psalms 40:3

Is Psalm 40:3 not just a nice saying? How could he change me without me first having to fix myself? How could He possibly love me despite all my filth? Is there a chance my life could really change?
 
Could this be the One Possibility that could change my life?

It sounded too good to be true!

Yet, His plans were already unfolding to address the prayers I had written down in my journal. The mere possibility that His love could be enough to save me captured my full attention.

However, I wasn't transformed by this initial possibility of change. Finding the life I had always desired and believed impossible would require one more step.

It would take one step of faith, One Decision, to change and define my life.

The transformation of your life through Jesus is not just a possibility; it is a certainty.
 Interested in learning more about this certainty? Reach out to us, and let's explore the hope that this transformation can bring.

Contact us at info@changinglanes.org to discover how your life can be changed.

THIRD PART OF BEGINS WITH ONE SERIES

The One Lie that transformed my life led me to create two identities—one for everyone to see and one only I know.

The shame of that One Lie ended up creating my One Fear: Letting others know my secrets and risk losing everything.

God wasn’t changing me, even though I pleaded with Him. My secrets had now become my “true” identity, guiding my every decision. My other identity had to preserve my secrets. If it failed, I would be humiliated and alone.

My One Fear had to be controlled. Everyone knew the kind, compassionate, and devoted friend. I believed I loved Jesus and told everyone I was a Christian, acting like it in public. Still, when I was alone, my secret identity took over.

Every day I lived with my fear, my ability to numb my conscience and become a better liar grew stronger.

My ability to allow others to see 97% of my life provided the means to hide the fear of anyone discovering the other 3% of me.

My control was a lie.

I could not control the secrets.

The need for great control led me to a place I never wanted to go. I crossed the boundary of physically acting out. Crossing that line strengthened my fear, making me believe I would never find freedom and would lose everything.

One evening, my wife could tell something was wrong. She asked me if I was having an affair. I told her, “No!” believing I was honest. My definition of an affair was sex with one other person only. My acting out was never with one person; it was just a need to numb the feeling of shame.

If my 3% were made known, I would lose my marriage, children, job (my boss was a friend of my in-laws), friends (my friends are married to my wife’s friends, church (all our friends were in the church), and my home.

My fear denied me any truth God wanted me to know. I couldn't trust the promises of 1 John 1:9-10, 1 Corinthians 10:13, or Hebrews 2:18.

Could God’s truth set me free (John 8:31b-32)? I didn’t see how Jesus could save me.
I could not let go of the control. Although my secrets were tearing me apart, I believed that their poison was the only relief I could get from the lies I kept.

Exposing my One Fear was the only way to be free and find peace, but I was too afraid to believe it.

I had no idea that letting go of the One Fear could lead to the One Possibility of a new life.

Therefore, dear brothers and sisters, you have no obligation to do what your sinful nature urges you to do. For if you live by its dictates, you will die. But if through the power of the Spirit you put to death the deeds of your sinful nature, you will live.
Romans 8:12-13

SECOND PART IN BEGINS WITH ONE SERIES

It all began with one word that would become the lie to fill an increasing number of lies that would define my identity and life.

Shame

Shame wasn't something I was taught, but it was a lie I discovered quickly. The night I was confronted about stumbling onto pornography, I denied the truth. I denied it multiple times.
I was only eight years old. Isn't that too young for someone to experience shame? It was the shame I had felt that caused me to deny my actions to my parents when confronted.

What was the basis of this lie? The belief I was flawed, gross, a failure, unlovable, and an embarrassment.

The lie transformed from a belief I held to an integral part of my identity. The secrecy brought on by the shame affirmed in my mind that everything I believed was true. Innocent comments by others strengthened the lie.

A few years after the lie began, I went to stay with my grandparents for the night. They were in town with some friends and picked me up on their way home. One of their friends complimented me in the car, but I took it as an affirmation of the lie.

"He is a good kid. He sits there quietly and doesn't interrupt."

The compliment that I am best when I do not share my voice was received; my voice has no value. The lie had been confirmed by adding that I received speech therapy at school.

Fast forward to the summer after my senior year of high school. I am sitting on the side of a creek bed early in the morning, trying to complete the daily devotion given to the campers at church camp. The secrecy brought by the shame took exposure to pornography to the edge of addiction. I was trapped in my sin, and I believed if it were made known for me to get help, I would be labeled and isolated from family and friends.

I was torn. I wanted freedom, but didn't want to lose the people closest to me. The shame led me to ask God for help one final time.

My prayer was a passionate cry for help, "God, take this away. BUT don't let anyone know."

The shame conditioned my request to God, the only one who could help me.

What was the outcome of the prayer? Nothing changed, and I believed I was too broken and beyond the ability of God to change me. God's silence confirmed that One Lie, and I felt there would never be hope for a new life, the one fear that would cause pain to the one closest to me.

God had not abandoned me, but was waiting for me.

Continue following the blog series, Begins with One for the journey of God’s redemption.

There's a famous line from "The Chronicles of Narnia" that many listeners can recognize even if they have never seen the movie or read the book. The phrase, “further up and further in,” comes from C. S. Lewis's final book from the Narnia series in which (without spoiling the ending) the storyline heads toward a huge crescendo conclusion!

This sentence is an exciting call to action! It is a challenge for others to keep their eyes on the goal that is in front of them. It is a call to NOT stand still but to move deeper into the mysteries of life with bravery and courage.

Life gets complicated regularly it seems. The human tendency is to avoid pain, take the path of least resistance, and just turn around and quit.

God promises to always be with you. Always!
Are you going through a difficult time right now?

Often times the best path for growth, maturity, and discipline is further upward, further onward, and just like the Israelites in the Bible...eventually moving through the wilderness of your issues rather than avoiding them.

Here's some scripture to bring you hope, encouragement, and to remind you that you're not alone.

Psalm 27:13-14
I remain confident of this: I will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living! Wait for the Lord; be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord.
 
Lamentations 3:22-24
Yet this I call to mind and therefore I have hope: Because of the Lord’s great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. I say to myself, “The Lord is my portion; therefore I will wait for him.

Psalm 9:10
And those who know Your name put their trust in You, for You, O Lord, have not forsaken those who seek You.

Romans 5:3-5
Not only so, but we also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us.

1 Corinthians 13:6-7, 13
Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres… And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.

Hebrews 10:23
Let us hold unswervingly to the hope we profess, for he who promised is faithful.

Psalm 25:5
Guide me in your truth and teach me, for you are God my Savior, and my hope is in you all day long.

"Things are seriously going so well!"

"It feels like I really haven't been struggling for such a long time it seems."

"I've been so good with my phone lately! Could I have my App Store password again?"
 
Sobriety is such a gift! The feeling of complete freedom and the ability to be fully transparent with loved ones is priceless. Have you ever experienced it? There are seasons of life when the mind and heart are laser-focused on good things regularly. It can feel like temptations are less of a draw. You're making strides in the right direction. Do not take these seasons for granted!
 
The thing is temptation never "goes away." It can feel like it has subsided, but no enemy can attack 24/7, 365. The enemy must regroup and strategize when to reappear next (Genesis 4:12). Sabotage doesn't always come from an outside force. The enemy is conniving enough to show up from inside your protective walls.

Here are 9 Bible Verses to help you not to lose ground, especially during the good times.

1. Listen and Be Wise
Gain regular dosages from Godly counsel, Godly friendships, and God's Word. Proverbs 8:33 "Listen to my instruction and be wise; do not disregard it"

2. Be Continuously Aware of Your Strengths & Your Weaknesses
Be keen on troublesome areas that your past proves are potential pitfalls for you. Lamentations 3:40 says "Let us test and examine our ways, and return to the Lord!"

3. Focus Your Mind Upward
What do the movies, music, and web searches you engage with feed into your mind? Philippians 4:8 "Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things."

4. Do Not Procrastinate In Doing Good
Download technology accountability software. Calendar accountability lunches with a friend. Create time for open conversations with a spouse. Intentionally take good steps toward the person you desire to be in Christ. James 4:17 "So whoever knows the right thing to do and fails to do it, for him it is sin."

5. Strive For Self Discipline
A marathon is not 26.2 miles. Rather, it is composed of 1,661,220 inches! Your progress will be defined by one's discipline towards a long obedience in the same direction.
Hebrews 12:11 "For the moment all discipline seems painful rather than pleasant, but later it yields the peaceful fruit of righteousness to those who have been trained by it.”

6. Abide In The Spirit
This is not a self-help guide. Our help, our true freedom is only found in Christ! Control and steward what is given to you and leave the rest up to God. John 15:4 "Abide in me, and I in you. As the branch cannot bear fruit by itself unless it abides in the vine, neither can you, unless you abide in me."

7. Walk With Godly Men
Jesus had the 12 disciples. And even within the 12, His best and closest friends were Peter, James and John. Who are your closest friends? Ephesians 4:9-10 "Two are better than one, because they have a good reward for their toil. For if they fall, one will lift up his fellow. But woe to him who is alone when he falls and has not another to lift him up!"

8. Continue to Love Yourself and Others Like God Does
Sometimes our gifts of serving others can be to the neglect of ourselves. Don't be like a starving baker, surrounded by food and feeding others but forgetting to love and feed yourself. Mark 12:31 "You shall love your neighbor as yourself. There is no other commandment greater than these."

9. Serve & Be Vigilant
Nehemiah was a Godly leader with the monumental task of rebuilding Jerusalem's walls. They were under continuous threats from both the inside and outside of the city walls. His instructions to the workers were to always be ready. Nehemiah 4:17 "Those who built on the wall, and those who carried burdens, loaded themselves so that with one hand they worked at construction, and with the other held a weapon."

When you hear the saying, “Blessings from your father,” what comes to your mind?    

Does it bring comforting words like warmth, love, compassion, safety, affirmation, teacher, or wisdom?
Or… 
Does it bring up more difficult memories such as anger, abuse, father's absence, control, workaholism, indifference, addiction, or hyper-competitiveness?

The father's role has been minimized and corrupted. Fatherhood was once the standard stabilizing figure in any given family; now he is the punchline. Clumsy dads can’t do anything right and are often dismissed as the problem the rest of the family must work around in order to succeed.  

There is a desire in each of us to receive approval from our father. We want to know he loves us, he will fight for us, he will protect us, and prepare us for what will come our way.  However, the longer I am involved in ministry I hear of stories from men who never understood how to be a father. Unfortunately, they end up leaving a father wound with their children. Sometimes the wound is intentional, but most of the time it comes from the wound they received from their father.  

When your father fails to love, fight for, and protect his family the way they need it, it can leave a father wound. This wound can single-handedly transform how you see yourself and impact the lens you use to make decisions for the rest of your life.  

In the father wound, it is common to take the imperfections of your earthly father and transfer them to God, your heavenly Father.  

• When your father is angry, it is easy to see God as always angry and disappointed.  When your father gets outraged is it easy for you to see God as regularly furious with you? 
•  When your father tells you that you can do better, do you feel God is constantly telling you the same thing?  
•  When your father is never around, God keeps His distance from you. If your father wasn’t around much, does it feel like God is constantly distant and lacking any kind of intimacy? 

The conclusions make sense and are verified in our rationale. None of these are actual characteristics of Christ’s character described in the Bible.
God’s love for you is greater than any love you can hope to receive from your father. 
“What father among you, if his son asks for a fish, will instead of a fish give him a serpent; or if he asks for an egg, will give him a scorpion? If you then, who are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will the heavenly Father give the Holy Spirit to those who ask him!” Luke 11:11-13  

Your earthly father is aiming to simply be “good enough.” But God is the perfect father.
Everything you need, He is there to fill it. Take every doubt, pain, fear, shame, or regret to Him. Let His perfect love cast out fear.  
“There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear.” 1 John 4:18a 

His love for you is unconditional. It is His perfect gift to you through Jesus’ death and resurrection that reveals His perfect love for you.  
“We love because He first loved us.” 1 John 4:19  

As you continue your journey, rest in the love of the perfect Father who gives you all you need. If you believe in Christ, you are blessed as His child. Enjoy the blessings that will follow you from this day on.  
“For God so loved the world, that He gave His only Son, that whoever believes in Him should not perish but have eternal life. For God did not send his Son into the world to condemn the world, but in order that the world might be saved through Him.” 
John 3:16-17 

Do you have “that neighbor” who loves to mow, manicure, and maintain the lawn? There’s something about seeing those straight mow lines, finely edged sidewalks, and pure green sea of rich color on the yard. Maybe you are that neighbor!

For those that have enjoy gardening as a hobby or simply enjoy working outside, this can be a rewarding (or frustrating) time of year! Seeing plants grow from seed to fruit can be super rewarding.

On the other hand, there are those who accidentally kill plants just by looking at them.

It happens. No judgement.

Someone who loves to garden is said to have a “green thumb!” Where did that come from? According to the “Old Farmer’s Almanac,” the origins of that statement come from the fact that algae growing on the outside of earthenware pots will stain a person's thumb (and fingers) if he or she handles enough pots. Hence, a person who is always working with flowerpots has a green thumb.

If a green thumb is the sign of a well-seasoned gardener, what are the signs of a growing Christian?

Galatians 5:22-23
“But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law.”
 
A farmer cannot manage a million individual seeds and plants. Farmers maintain the elements they can control to some degree like soil, water, and providing protection from things like disease, wild life or weeds. They allow the seed to do what only the seed does.

The Christian has elements of free will, obedience, and control that must take place in order to have a healthy relationship with Christ. Just like the seed, we count of the Spirit of God to do only what the Spirit can do.

Common traits for a growing believer are:

• Gathering together regularly with other Christians – Hebrews 10:25
• Regularly gaining guidance from God’s Word – 2 Timothy 3:16
• Be led by the spirit and not your flesh – Galatians 5:16
• Love your neighbor like Jesus loved – 1 John 4:17
• Faithfully endure suffering – Acts 14:22
• You are at peace with others, quick to forgive, and full of mercy – James 3:17

Seeing the fruits of your labor can be energizing, satisfying, and even tasty! Following Christ in deep intimacy, freedom, and purpose is fulfilling as well as eternally rewarding. It was once said, “Out of 100 men, one will read the Bible, the other 99 will read the Christian.”
 
The outward expression of your faith speaks volumes to the world.

They are listening.

But God…
The pastor goes on to say…
“Christians see hard things as indeed hard and not to be sought, but we have been armed with this great truth, namely that when received with faith in God, hard things lead to the best things.” 
 
Freedom in Christ was not free. Jesus paid for our new life.
Freedom in Christ is free. Jesus paid with His own life.
Freedom in Christ is New Life.

Imagine being there at the birth of a brand new baby. Maybe you have experienced that first hand!

You can hear them taking their first short breaths of air into their new set of lungs. Their feeble bodies experience so much inside and outside the womb...the joys and the mess of NEW LIFE begin.

Crying. Pooping. Cuddling. Burping. Cooing.
Sleeping. Not sleeping.
Smiling. Laughing. Screaming.
More pooping.
Repeat.

Quickly you can see how helpless, defenseless, and innocent newborns are. Try to comprehend the miracle of what exactly is holding these little newborns together.

What does "new life" look like for them?
What does "new life" look like for us?

Ephesians 4 cuts straight to the chase. Verse 22 - 24 says,
"Put off your old self, which belongs to your former manner of life..." and it continues by saying, " ...put on the new self, created after the likeness of God in true righteousness and holiness."

Think of a "baby Christian." Just like a true infant enters the world, think of the many parallels an infant believer has. One who has taken baby steps to faith in Jesus needs a lot of assistance.

How do they grow spiritually? Feed them.
1 Peter 2:2 "Like newborn babies, crave pure spiritual milk, so that by it you may grow up in your salvation."
How do they hear from God? Show them.
Romans 12:2 "And do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind, so that you may prove what the will of God is, that which is good and acceptable and perfect."

How do they stop acting in immature ways? Teach them.
1 John 1:8-9 "If we say we have no sin, we deceive ourselves and the truth is not in us. If we confess our sins, He is faithful and righteous to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness. If we say that we have not sinned, we make Him a liar and His word is not in us."

1 John 2:1-3 "My little children, I am writing these things to us so that you may not sin. And if anyone sins, we have an Advocate with the Father, Jesus Christ the righteous: and He Himself is the propitiation for our sins; and not for ours only, but also for those of the whole world. By this we know that we come to know Him, if we keep His commandments."

How do they begin healthier, more mature habits? Train them up.
Philippians 3:13-17 "Brethren, I do not regard myself as having laid hold of it yet; but one thing I do; forgetting what lies behind and reaching forward to what lies ahead, I press on toward the goal of the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus. Let us therefore, as many have this attitude; and if in anything you have a different attitude, God will reveal that also to you; however, let us keep living by that same standard to which we have attained. Brethren, join in following my example, and observe those who walk according to the pattern you have in us."

Changing Lanes is dedicated to hope found in new life.

The heart, soul, mind, and strength will continue to daily shed the old habits, old thoughts, and old ways to look more like Christ. In the same way an infant doesn't mature over night, a young believer takes time to grow.

Becoming free from addiction is that same spiritual journey.

Think about it. Some adults have more years lived in addiction than they do in actual sobriety.

Here's an example:

• An average child becomes exposed to pornography at the age of 8.
• On and off through middle school, high school, and on into the college, the addiction is fueled.
• Now at age 32, 20+ years have now passed from the first exposure at age 8.
• More years have been spent hiding, covering their tracks, and more shame, pain, and addiction then freedom.

We need the old life to die.
We need a new life.

Everyone begins as infants. New Life comes from freedom found only in Christ. For those that are in Christ, they are His, 100% saved by His grace.

The heart, soul, mind, and strength will continue to daily shed the old habits, old thoughts, and old ways to look more like Christ. This is our ongoing journey.

The old is gone.

The new has come.

2020 and 2021 was a bombshell inside of a pressure cooker as the worldwide pandemic ran rampant. Let's be honest...we were all just trying to keep our sanity during lock down!

2022 everyone began poking their heads out of their holes to see if the storm had cleared. Cautiously, the world began moving forward.
 
2023. This was the world's chance. A new beginning. A fresh start. Everyone gets a do-over.
This is THE YEAR!

Briefly rewind to your own thoughts back in January 2023. Maybe the goals were just in your head. Maybe you were brave enough to write them down. Maybe, just maybe, your internal conversations sounded a little something like this...

• Physically, lets lose weight, eat healthier and hit the gym at least 3 times a week!
• Financially, goodbye student debt! Being debt free is well within my grasp this year!
• Relationally, it's time to make intentional efforts to build up strong friendships, marriages, and strike up some "parenting wins" with the kids!
• Spiritually, church in-person, tithing for the first time, or reading the Bible through in a year are all reasonable goals.
• Sobriety, I'm never going back to what I was. Addiction, bad habits, and poor boundaries with technology are all behind me.

So...how's it going with all that? Maybe it's time to refocus.

The scriptures have much to say about consistency, remaining faithful, and striving for what is good and Godly. We do not accomplish God's Work on our own strength, rather the Holy Spirit joins us to empower us for His glory. It takes obedience, diligence, and humility.

His Will > Our Will
 
Here are 10 scriptures to encourage you, stretch you, deepen you, and help refocus you on your mission:
1 Corinthians 15:58
Therefore, my beloved brothers, be steadfast, immovable, always abounding in the work of the Lord, knowing that in the Lord your labor is not in vain.

Galatians 6:9
And let us not grow weary of doing good, for in due season we will reap, if we do not give up.

Luke 16:13
“No servant can serve two masters, for either he will hate the one and love the other, or he will be devoted to the one and despise the other. You cannot serve God and money.”

Matthew 5:37
“Let what you say be simply ‘Yes’ or ‘No’; anything more than this comes from evil.”

Colossians 1:17
And he is before all things, and in him all things hold together.

Ephesians 4:1
I therefore, a prisoner for the Lord, urge you to walk in a manner worthy of the calling to which you have been called.

Hebrews 10:23
Let us hold fast the confession of our hope without wavering, for he who promised is faithful.

James 1:4
And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing.

John 8:31
So Jesus said to the Jews who had believed in him, “If you abide in my word, you are truly my disciples.”

Numbers 23:19
God is not man, that he should lie, or a son of man, that he should change his mind. Has he said, and will he not do it? Or has he spoken, and will he not fulfill it?

At a stop light?
Under the interstate overpass?
On the park bench?
You've seen him before. 
 
Get too close and you know you'll smell him. By the looks of it, he needs food, clothes, and shelter. In your stomach, you get that feeling you know you should help. In fact, you know you could help.

That fast food gift card is still in your pocket...but would he even use it?
Drugs?
Alcohol?
Mental illness?
Fell on hard times?
Who knows.

 Instead...
 You turn up your earbuds, make no eye contact, and audibly lock your car door as you pass.

“Faith by itself, if it does not have works, is dead.
You believe that God is one; you do well.
Even the demons believe—and shudder!"

James 2:17, 19

 

During a recent quiet time, I was struck by a single sentence in my reading. In Psalms 11:1, it says, “In the Lord I take refuge.” This one sentence caused me to stop and question the idea of refuge.

I looked up the definition of refuge, and it said refuge is “a place or state of safety from danger or trouble.”

Day after day, I talk to men who are struggling to keep their jobs. Many are fighting to keep their marriage from falling apart. But most are fighting with the idea of living a life free from porn or sexual addiction.

All of the men are tired. They talk about how they are exhausted from fighting to stay pure and keep away from porn, massage parlors, strip clubs, or inappropriate relationships. The common theme from the men was the desire to fight and use their strength to win the war against sexual desires. Every man was losing the battle.

The battle for purity has brought the men to a place where there is nothing left of their mental, emotional, or physical strength to give to their wives, kids, jobs, friends, or church.

They are beaten up and tired of losing. They are ready to give up.

Are YOU beaten, tired, and ready to give up?
 
“In the Lord I take refuge” 
 
What if you were never meant to fight the battle? What if Jesus told us to rest and let Him fight for us?

Jesus allows you the safety to stop fighting the battle you were never meant to fight.

Porn, adultery, illicit thoughts, and any other type of sexual sin; we are told to run away from them. And not only run, but flee (1 Corinthians 6:18)! You and I are not equipped to fight this battle.

But there is one who is equipped, God.

He is ready to fight for your marriage. He is prepared to fight for your restoration.

He is ready to fight for YOU!

There is only one question: Will you take refuge in Jesus, rest, and let Him fight?

Do you know anyone who has hit rock bottom and has been completely changed? Ever wonder why they are so different? Are you desiring the change you see in their life, but don’t want to go through the pain they went through to experience the changed life?

We are all seeking the best life possible. Many people teach you that you should have the best things in life. Why not have everything your heart desires? All you need is a little faith, right?

I have found it interesting to watch from a distance the number of people seeking a changed life through the miraculous. Entire ministries have thrived through the ability to “heal” and “save” the sick. Thousands flock to arenas seeking healing from various ailments, including diseases, illnesses, physical deformities, and financial crises. They see others being healed and want it for themselves. Why not? When people are healed and can see, it helps them believe, and faith becomes easier.

Is this the kind of faith Jesus desires for each one of us? Jesus healed the sick and drove out the demons. So this must be right.

In the gospel of Luke, Jesus addresses faith. In the fifth chapter, a paralytic man was brought to Jesus. However, the crowds were so great that the friends trying to bring the man to Jesus were unable to get through the crowds. Determined and believing Jesus was the only way for healing, they took the man to the roof and lowered him through the roof. This man was not going to be kept away from Jesus. He had a faith that was not going to be denied.

When the man was in front of Jesus, Jesus acknowledged their faith and said, “Friend, your sins are forgiven.” Now, he didn’t come to Jesus to be forgiven; he came so he could walk. He wanted the change you can see, and so did the crowd. People in the crowd began to wonder how Jesus could forgive a man, for only God can forgive. They were seeing Jesus for his miracles, not his true identity as the Son of God. The change they were seeking was for the man to walk. Seeing the man walk would require faith. But how much faith did it take to see a miracle? Wouldn’t it take more faith to believe a miracle of the heart?

Jesus knew what the crowd was thinking and called them on their thinking, “Which is easier: to say, ‘Your sins are forgiven,’ or to say, ‘Get up and walk’?” Ouch! The crowd doubted the unseen and the deeper faith it required to believe Jesus could change a heart. So what did Jesus do? He commanded the paralytic man to get up and walk. When the man got up, the crowd was amazed by the bit of faith it took to see the miracle.

My life was changed when I hit my rock bottom. My 22 years of sexual addiction brought me to a place where I could continue destroying my life and my family, or I could trust Jesus to change my life, but I would have to increase my faith to the point of giving him everything. My faith was small, and I spent years asking Him to change my life, but only the things that didn’t require faith to change. I wanted to be rid of my addiction and change my habits, but not change my heart and acknowledge how little I trusted Jesus with my life.

“I could continue destroying my life and my family, or I could trust Jesus to change my life.”
Jesus changed me, but only when I reached the point of trusting him with everything. The day I told my wife about my addiction, I agreed to trust Jesus with my marriage, kids, job, home, friends, church, and reputation. To trust Him, I gave up control of everything and expected to lose it all.

What happened?

The only thing I lost was the secret of my addiction. By putting my faith in the unseen, Jesus changed my heart. In changing my heart, he changed my life! My wife and I are thriving 13 years later. We were blessed with another child. I left my full-time job and now lead this ministry to help others, all because Jesus transformed my faith from one I could not see.
Where do you find your faith? Do you find it in the crowds who believe by sight, or do you believe because you have let go of everything and live by faith that comes from giving Jesus your heart?

It came to one choice: Do I give up my marriage, my sons, my family, my job, my church, my friends, and my reputation, or do I give up on God? I had to choose one or the other. My life brought me to this point.

The secrets I had accumulated from years of viewing porn and meeting other people for sex could no longer be a part of my life if I wanted freedom, peace, and rest. I was exhausted from hiding all my actions. Everywhere I went with my wife or people who didn’t know my secrets became a mental game of “Gotcha.” Who was going to share my secrets and ruin my life? The weight of keeping all my lies straight was heavy. The mental list of lies and how they tied together was to the point where I could no longer distinguish between truth and fiction.

All the years of my addiction, I begged God to give me freedom from the porn and sexual sin, but I conditioned every plea with “God take it away, but don’t tell anyone.” Nothing changed; things only got worse. Porn became empty, so why not chat online? The online chatting didn't quite fill me; perhaps meeting people would be what I need to find contentment. No, it left me empty and isolated.

The isolation was where I was forced to make a decision. I could give up on God and keep my secrets.  He hasn’t changed me, nor does he love me; perhaps I’m too broken to be changed. Or, I could let my secrets out and lose everything with little to no hope of keeping any of the things I had accumulated in my life. All I had was a final hope that God could still change me if I made my request for help unconditional, no more secrets.

My decision: agree to allow God to have everything. I gave up control and decided to accept whatever outcome came my way.  I shared my secrets with Christi and my small group. My marriage, as I knew it, was destroyed. My connection with my small group was never the same.

I lost the marriage I knew. I was no longer the same father. My small group was never the same.

Giving up everything, God took away the things I needed from my life. A group of over 300 friends I kept online was gone. Freedom on my computer was no longer available. Trust to make decisions in secret was removed.

As God took away the things that needed to be removed from my life, he gave me things I never expected. He restored my marriage and allowed us to find new levels of transparency and depth. My doubt about being the father my sons would need to grow up as Godly men was replaced with a hunger to lead them. God then blessed our family with a baby girl. God gave me a new job and a place to flourish. He opened up the depths of the relationships in my small group and my church. New relationships were built through his leading. He led my secrets to be shared as part of my story of his grace, changing my reputation to a man seeking His heart.

Making the one decision to give up everything and trust God, I lost a lot and gained more than I could have ever imagined. Are you ready to trust God and see what he will do in your life? If so, don’t wait; today is the day to find freedom.

You are not alone. Because I have walked this path, I want to help you on your journey. Are you ready?

I never knew that something that merely piqued my curiosity at the age of twelve would turn into years of relentless shame and secrecy. Over the course of four years, pornography had consumed more of my life than I ever intended to give it. I vividly remember one of my most desperate prayers to God when I was sixteen. With knots twisting in my stomach and tears uncontrollably running down my face, I said, “God, I can’t do this anymore.” It was in that moment that He replied, “Jessica, you don’t have to.”

If you are reading this, I don’t know where you are in life or the magnitude of the struggles that you face. What I do know is that there is such a thing as freedom. For me, it was freedom from more than a pornography addiction. Lust, deception, shame, guilt, comparison, rejection, abandonment, and condemnation have all reared their heads in the years that followed that night when I was sixteen. At times, I found myself asking, “When will this ever end?” Somehow, I fell under the impression that the surrender of one thing meant that things in this new relationship with God would inevitably be effortless afterward. Not only was I wrong, but I am glad I was wrong.

John 8:36 reads, “So if the Son sets you free, you will be free indeed.” To this day, it is a verse that has brought me the greatest joy, and I want to tell you why.

Jesus starts this verse by saying “if the Son sets you free.” I couldn’t keep up with the facade that everything was okay, and that I didn’t have an addiction. Freedom came in the moment I said that I couldn’t do it anymore. It wasn’t ever going to be found in my own ability, and for that I am thankful. I am thankful that I can never be too proud of my own strength and resistance to sin. On my own I will miserably fail.

Then later in the verse comes my favorite part: “free indeed.”  For only six letters, indeed is a powerful word. According to Strong’s concordance, some definitions include “really, truly,” and “actually.” In other words, Jesus was saying that this freedom is without question. It’s not a distant, unattainable fantasy. It’s an undeniable reality that only He can make possible.

So where does this leave you now? It leaves you with a choice. Regardless of where you consider yourself to be in this life, Jesus is the only way to lasting freedom. The lies that tell you that this is how it always must be are exactly that – lies. There is a life beyond addiction. Ten years ago, I found myself at that crossroads where I had to decide if I wanted to keep living the way I was. Jesus wasn’t just as my crossroads, but on the road leading to it.
I only had to recognize that He was there.